I know what it’s like to be a teenage boy, because I’ve got
a one-track mind. Instead of thinking all day about sex though, I am a 41-year old
woman who obsesses about food morning noon and night.
Let me be clear, I’m not
obsessing about food that I am actually going to eat. I obsess about food that I am not going to eat—or will try like hell to avoid.
If I am to believe recent research and practical methodology,
I should embrace the following eating/lifestyle plan I have just laid out on in my
1. I will not consume meat, dairy, eggs, wheat, bread, flour
or rice. I will avoid some legumes; eat no peanuts or peanut butter due to some
funky fungus; eat no other nuts due to high fat. I can eat no cereals,
no processed foods, coffee or alcohol.
2. My ideal diet should
consist of broccoli, peppers, Beano and water. Yes, I will eat more vegetables and fruits, but only those of the
low-alkaline, low-sugar variety. Fresh
fruits, purchased at Whole Foods or at my local farmers’ market, are a must to
ensure they are humanely raised and no egos were offended in the picking. My
fruits and veggies must not be sprayed with chemicals that will give me cancer,
and I will eat those grown with tough skins first to make sure my body absorbs
all the fiber, so I can poop out every last sugar calorie from eating the evil sugary
beasts known as fruit.
3. I will avoid vegetable oil, canola oil, peanut oil. Crisco?
4. Vegetable proteins often, yes, including pounds and
pounds of Romaine lettuce. Did you know that stuff has more protein than a
steak? Or so I am told. I mean, pound for pound romaine versus steak is a lot, of
course, but whatever.
5. I will strive for veganism, settle for vegetarianism but
will deny to my death that I consumed a steak sandwich for lunch on Saturday. Or
should I eat right for my blood type, go paleo and eat meat three times a day?
6. Have I mentioned sugar? Yes, never a drop of sugar again
in my life again. Because it makes me fat and that makes me crazy, and when
I’m fat and crazy, no one in my household can be happy. This includes wine,
which is my anti-crazy potion, so looks like I’m going crazy either way.
I will breathe deeply but not too much, because there is a highway of cars running on the road next to my house.
7. Add vitamin D in pill form because I
don’t get outside enough; add a B12-plus shot, because I’m super moody when I’m
food- and sugar-deprived; add some lysine and magnesium to ward off the breakouts of
hysteria when I have PMS. And from another hand, I’ll scarf down a handful of
other vitamins I can’t pronounce so that my hormones will balance, and I will
yell at my family less and want to have sex with my husband more.
8. This will ensure I lose weight, grow shiny hair, have
glowing, regenerating skin and maintain a low PH level to ward off disease and canker sores.
10. I will exercise every day to rid my body of the rest
of the toxins, but not to interfere with sleep.
11. I will not stress and instead listen to new age music,
especially in a bathtub with Epsom salts and a candle. I will envision white
light around me. I will meditate, practice yoga and walk the dog.
12. I will be a good mom, make my kids organic food lunches
with cheese cutouts symbolizing the deity of Jesus, which they can consume like
the Eucharist, because I don’t bring them to church enough know that’s
13. I will not forget an inspiring note, lest they will fail
to be inspired.
14. I will wash children and house with non-toxic cleaners, and do my best not to add to my toxic household environment.
15. I will breathe deeply but not too much, because there is
a highway of cars running on the road next to my house. Time to get into the mountains
more for cleaner air and take the dog or he will poop on the floor next to