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14 Things That Keep Me From Disowning My Kids

I doubt I’m alone in having fleeting thoughts of leaving my children in a basket at a neighbor’s door, ringing the bell and then running away. As adorable as my kids are, they have an annoying habit of making me feel as if I need to check myself into a mental institution.

I love my children to bits and pieces, but what keeps them from being evicted on the days that I’m ready to sweep up their bits and pieces and deposit all of it along with them in the trash is remembering these 14 things:

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1. One day they’ll have to wipe my butt.

2. Sure, maybe I pick up after my kids with the compulsion of Rain Man armed with a box of toothpicks, which invariably leaves me with roughly the same amount of sanity of Jack Nicholson in "The Shining." Soon, though, I’ll have my kids trained like Cinderella, which will have me cackling more wickedly than the Witch of the West.

3. That look my 3-year-old gives me when she first catches sight of me at preschool pickup.

4. My 6-year-old finally understands she needs to hate her teacher, not me, for assigning her homework.

They know better than to be careless around my wine glass.

5. They now take showers instead of baths.

6. Little kids = more Halloween candy.

7. They cuddle like they’re getting paid.

8. Ding, dong! Barney, Caillou and Dora are dead! Or at least my kids' infatuation with them is O-V-E-R.

9. They figured out how to power on the TV by themselves before the sun rises on weekend mornings.

10. They can now reach the snack shelf in the pantry without assistance.

11. They know better than to be careless around my wine glass.

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12. My 6-year-old inexplicably thinks I hung the moon (and thinks I did a nice job).

13. They’ve learned the difference between indoor/outdoor voices and occasionally choose to use the appropriate one in the right setting.

14. Grandkids.

Image via Twenty20/nikki3663

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