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I didn't know when I became the mother of two sons just how absolutely disgusting teenage boys could be. From the time a boy hits 13 (and in some cases, earlier) he morphs into a strange hybrid creature—something not yet man, and not quite human.
In less than 24 hours, I was able to compile the following list of gross things my sons, their friends, and even my friends' teenage sons all do regularly.
Grab a trash can and some breath mints, because this list tests even the strongest gag reflex.
1. They write the name of, or draw pictures of the male genitalia. Wherever a teenage boy goes, descriptions of their, ahem, parts, follow. Be it on the window of a dirty car, on a dry-erase board, even on a steamy bathroom mirror, there will most likely be the word "penis" or a cute caricature of the same name, complete with testes.
2. They punish others with their farts. Apparently there are names for this, like "hot box," "Dutch ovens" or "beef stew," and it involves the teenage boy farting and trapping someone in the draft of their stinky wind. The teenager gets immense pleasure out of this, while their victim will suffer flashbacks whenever someone farts, for the rest of their lives.
3. They belch and/or fart in public. When they're not forcing someone to smell their gas, they get a thrill out of projecting their vocal and gluteal trumpets for all within a hundred-foot radius to hear.
4. They pop their pimples and pick their earwax in public. This still gets my tummy churning. Not ones for modesty, if teenage boys see a ripe zit or feel the tingle of waxy buildup in their ears, nothing will stop them from digging until they reach gold. By the looks of this video, it seems grown men are prone to public excavations, too.
5. They gorge when eating. I've yet to meet a teenage boy who takes normal-size bites and actually chews. Young men between the ages of thirteen to nineteen are apparently so ravenous they don't even need to breathe while consuming gigantic portions of their favorite foods.
6. They talk with their mouths full. Sometimes they talk with food in their mouths, sometimes with gobs of foamy toothpaste, but they will not let stuffed cheeks stop them from getting their message out to the world.
7. They re-wear dirty clothes—even underwear. Shirt wrinkled? Pants have a ketchup stains? Are those boxers a week old and still going strong? No problem. A teenage boy will not only wear them, he'll argue with you if you try to tell him not to.
8. They drink from the carton and they double dip. Saliva with your calcium, anyone?
9. They wipe their dirty hands on their pants, fire snot rockets from their noses and hock loogies while walking. I just can't even. Why, boys, WHY? Are tissues that hard to come by?
10. They pee standing up, with the toilet seat down. This leaves dozens of little yellow droplets all over the toilet seat, which they don't bother to wipe up. That leaves unsuspecting rear ends, like mine, to discover their territorial markings in the most uncomfortable way imaginable, by sitting on them.
11. They are the missing sock thieves, not your dryer. I won't push this subject any further, but if you have a teenage son, or you were a teenage boy once, you know exactly what happens to those socks. Gross.
12. They smell their fingers after sticking them in weird, damp, stinky places. I wish I didn't know this. Now I can't un-know it. Neither can you.
Please tell me it gets better when they reach adulthood?