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5 Ways Finding a Sitter Is Like Being a Creepy Old Man

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Last week, I found myself sitting in a room with other middle-aged women discussing the best way to stalk a 16-year-old girl. We shared our strategies: Sifting through Facebook, asking friends, talking to teachers, placing ads online. That's when I realized, when it comes to finding a sitter, moms are creepy as hell.

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Although, I've never been an old man who routinely trolls young girls for dates, I imagine there are a lot of troubling similarities between that old man and me. For example, we both have to figure out how the young kids talk these days.

My younger sisters told me never to call and only to text, because "Voicemail is so lame," which was news to me. So OK, but then, I found myself at 10 at night, texting a teen about what time she was going to come over tomorrow. I turned to my husband and asked, "Do we have the right food for her? The right coffee? Will she like our beverages?"

My husband rolled his eyes, "Are you trying to turn this home into a teen lair?"

Well, in a word, Yes.

Sitting around, discussing the optimum age of a sitter, is probably just another thing I and creepy old men have in common.

Finding a good sitter is really hard. I have two kids and our closest family members are four hours away. If I want to get a haircut or maybe talk to my husband without getting chicken thrown at my head, I have to rely on a network of friends who owe me favors and babysitters.

Yet, babysitters are hard to come by. High schoolers, by and large, are involved with a lot of activities. I have a friend who has a daughter who would be the best babysitter if she weren't an extremely talented, intelligent girl with lots of friends and extracurriculars. It's almost better to find a college student, but their shelf life is short, because the clock on the amount of time they can spend earning babysitter pay is ticking loudly.

But sitting around, discussing the optimum age of a sitter, is probably just another thing I and creepy old men have in common. Here are a few more ways that finding a sitter turns moms into creepsters:

  1. Instead of inappropriate pictures of our privates, we send sitters pictures of our kids.
  2. Instead of plying them with alcohol, we ply them with money and coffee and treats.
  3. Instead of ads on Craigslist for "a good time," we advertise on Care.com for "good pay."
  4. We sit around discussing strategies for trapping and keeping young girls.
  5. We lament when they get "too old."

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OK that's enough. I need to go take a shower now. But if any of you young girls out there want to come over. You know how to find me.

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