Last week, I found myself sitting in a room with other
middle-aged women discussing the best way to stalk a 16-year-old girl. We shared our strategies: Sifting through
Facebook, asking friends, talking to teachers, placing ads online. That's when
I realized, when it comes to finding a sitter, moms are creepy as hell.
Although, I've never been an old man who routinely trolls
young girls for dates, I imagine there are a lot of troubling similarities
between that old man and me. For example, we both have to figure out how the
young kids talk these days.
My younger sisters told me never to call and only to text,
because "Voicemail is so lame," which was news to me. So OK, but then, I
found myself at 10 at night, texting a teen about what time she was going to
come over tomorrow. I turned to my husband and asked, "Do we have the right
food for her? The right coffee? Will she like our beverages?"
My husband rolled his eyes, "Are you trying to turn this
home into a teen lair?"
Well, in a word, Yes.
Sitting around, discussing the optimum age of a sitter, is probably just another thing I and creepy old men have in common.
Finding a good sitter is really hard. I have two kids and our
closest family members are four hours away. If I want to get a haircut or maybe
talk to my husband without getting chicken thrown at my head, I have to rely on
a network of friends who owe me favors and babysitters.
Yet, babysitters are hard to come by. High schoolers, by and
large, are involved with a lot of activities. I have a friend who has a
daughter who would be the best babysitter if she weren't an extremely talented,
intelligent girl with lots of friends and extracurriculars. It's almost better
to find a college student, but their shelf life is short, because the clock on
the amount of time they can spend earning babysitter pay is ticking loudly.
But sitting around, discussing the optimum age of a sitter,
is probably just another thing I and creepy old men have in common. Here are a few more ways that finding a sitter
turns moms into creepsters:
Instead of inappropriate pictures of our privates, we send sitters
pictures of our kids.
Instead of plying them with alcohol, we ply them with money
and coffee and treats.
Instead of ads on Craigslist for "a good time," we advertise
on Care.com for "good pay."
We sit around discussing strategies for trapping and keeping