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50 Things I Love About My Kids' Rock Star Dad

Baby, I know a lot has changed since the days when it was just us. I think you know that you're an awesome father to our 3-year-old twins. But just in case I haven't told you, here are the things that I notice and love.

1. How when the twins were babies you "taught school" to them, which included ringing a school bell at the start of class.

2. You instill a love of reading. There's not a week that goes by that you don't come home at night with a Barnes & Noble bag containing the next book in a favorite series.

3. And that you call upon our days on the boards by assigning us roles to read during story time.

4. And put up with listening to my varied array of British dialects in "Spot Says Please."

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5. How you will give me a spa certificate for a massage on Mother's Day, and then tell me about a porn site where perverts sneak in and give unsuspecting women massages.

6. That you *almost always* get up first.

7. That our kids can name all the planets in the solar system (and the months of the year and days of the week and the continents).

8. Two words: date nights.

9. That you make observations about the sex lives of cartoon characters. (And yes, I do think the Man with the Yellow Hat is "giving it to" Professor Wiseman).

10. How you teach our boy to make pancakes with you every Sunday.

11. That you don't have any vices that some women have to worry about fucking up their families over. You're pretty straight-laced. I mean, you could be right at this very moment direct messaging Sydney Leathers on Twitter (but probably not).

12. That every day you drop our kids off at preschool you tell them they are brave and strong.

13. That you're not squeamish in the emergency room.

14. That you indulge my requests to come talk to me while I take a bath.

15. That you see the humor in trying to find our daughter in the room once she's fallen asleep (most recently UNDER her bed).

16. How you eagerly consume all of my heathy recipes containing kale and broccoli rabe.

17. When you come home and say, "Let's order in quesadillas."

18. How you jerked off in a small laboratory room to bad '80s porn on a VCR so we could make our beautiful children.

19. And agreed to spend all of the money we had to make them.

20. How you can make me laugh when I'm frustrated with this parenting thing.

21. For example when I yelled at our daughter, "I'm tired of your potty-training escapades," and you instantly pulled up "Escapade" by Janet Jackson on your phone.

22. How you've embraced your roll of Dad by (unironically) taking me to a Cristopher Cross concert.

23. And that you traded in your cut up heavy metal T-shirts for shitty suits from Men's Wearhouse so you could start a business from nothing which grew and now keeps our whole crazy operation running.

24. That at the end of a hard day, you relax by watching the "Stossel" show.

25. That we can reminisce about the adventures we had traveling and that by their first birthday our kids had passports.

26. That one day I will tell the kids how you wrote my father a letter asking to marry me.

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27. That you do the cleaning. (You're much better at it!)

28. But have no idea how I make the smoothies we drink every day.

29. How you don't hesitate to yell at little punk-ass 12-year-old boys on the street when they're misbehaving. (You go after the older ones, too.)

30. How you will take a head count of the "Alberts family" before car trips and exclude me every single time for keeping my maiden name.

That you open all of our cans. Seriously, I appreciate this.

31. How you come up with practical solutions around the house, like putting a pillow between the headboard and the wall so our son won't be forever scarred by the sounds of our marital relations.

32. That you never, ever so much as glance at our hot 20-something babysitters in an inappropriate way.

33. That you always want to dance with me at weddings and are not one of those "sit it out" guys.

34. That you tell the twins about your mom.

35. That you don't mind that I coordinate my dress to your outfit for parents' night at school a la David and Victoria Beckham.

36. How you'll say nothing when you come home to a wrecked house of me and my friends, all drunk, arms linked and circling the room with the kids to "Going to Kentucky."

37. How you made ice cream sundaes for 2- and 3-year-olds at the twins' last birthday party with same level of care a master chef would exhibit at Michelin starred restaurant.

38. How you carry the kids inside when they're fast asleep in the car after running around at a holiday dinner.

That one day I will tell the kids how you wrote my father a letter asking to marry me.

39. How you go on the rides with the twins at Coney Island, even the ones that make you nauseous.

40. How when you see a pregnant lady you will always say, "Hey, she fucks!"

41. That you open all of our cans. Seriously, I appreciate this.

42. That the birth control is in your department.

43. That you are a friend to my sister. (And have a rock bio swap going on that has nothing to do with me.)

44. That you asked me how old the kids have to be before you can tell them there is no God.

45. That both of our 3-year-olds know all the words to the "Spiderman" theme song.

46. That piggy-back rides come dangerously close to the ceiling, which I guess comes with your daddy being the tallest.

47. How you take the kids swimming and act compassionately when topless Park Slope moms don't realize it's a family changing room.

48. You give me flowers for reasons that have nothing to do with the dates on the calendar.

49. That you make us watch commercials because they are sponsoring the show we are watching.

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50. That you think it's funny to remind me that in 15 years you'll be 61 and your "cold, wrinkly hands" will still be all over me.

I'm looking forward to that.

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Image by Ronnie Koenig

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