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'What I Did on Spring Break,' As Told by a 3-Year-Old

Photograph by Getty Images

Spring break was awesome this year! I mean, we didn't get to go anywhere like Sesame Place or even Cancun (I'd totally be down for a wet diaper contest), but for a staycation it was cool. Here's what I got up to, ICYMI.

1. Went to movies

Daddy took me to see the SpongeBob movie. It was pretty funny. Some parts were a little scary, and Daddy totally thought I was sitting on his lap because I was afraid. I wasn't afraid, I was just farting on him.

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2. Dropped the F-bomb

I'd been saving this one up for a while, and the look on Mommy's face was priceless. Guys, it was totally rando, and the way I said it was so nonchalant. Mommy started laughing, which means "do it more." Yes to this.

3. Went on a playdate

Hung with this dude from my preschool class at his casa for a while. Nice mom, decent toys, though he didn't even want to open the pretzel rods I brought. Sucked that when we had to leave Mommy made me let go of that ball that lights up when you throw it. Planning to be back for it soon, tho.

Seriously, may have to cancel Netflix. Can. Not. Stop.

4. Went to a farm

Mommy and Daddy say Sister and I need fresh air, so we went in the car to a farm where we saw cows and pigs and sheep. Daddy said not to put my finger in the chicken coop, but I did it anyway and got pecked. Chickens are mean. Ate extra nuggets that night.

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5. Binge-watched "Super Y"

I didn't WANT to like this show, but I have to admit it's a good cast with decent writing. Say what you will, but it hooks you in. Sat down for one episode and, before I knew it, got through the whole first season. I don't think it was meant to be watched this way. Seriously, may have to cancel Netflix. Can. Not. Stop.

Made plans to get together IRL by my cubby next week, maybe grab a juice—cold-pressed.

6. Neighborhood patrol

Rode my Big Wheel back and forth outside the house on the sidewalk with my sunglasses on. I think the kid that lives across the street got the message that this is my stoop. Went back inside, got myself a tall glass of milk and did a poop.

7. Chilled at my favorite coffee shop

Toddlers, listen. When you're at the playground and you're jonesing for a snack, all you have to say is, "Have to go potty" and your mommy will take you—fast. Helps if you make a cute, scrunched-up face and kind of up-talk at the end of the sentence. Before you know it, you'll be in a hipster café eating a $4 slice of banana bread. Word to the wise.

8. Went to Child Watch at the Y

Mommy used to bring me and my sis here all the time when we were little, so she could exercise. This week, since we had no school, we went back. All the ladies that work there said how big I am getting and gave me lots of hugs. Haven't felt this much twentysomething boob since Lollapalooza.

9. Facetimed

I took Mommy's iPhone when she wasn't looking and called a few girls from my class. Made plans to get together IRL by my cubby next week, maybe grab a juice—cold-pressed.

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10. Got frozen yogurt

Went to a place called "Culture" on a playdate after the playground and got a kid-sized cup. Love how Mommy told me this is "ice cream." Right. Just like her wine is "grown-up juice." Dying.

Wish this Spring Break would never end but I gotta get back to preschool. Peace out.

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Image by Ronnie Koenig

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