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ASKHOLE: n. A person to whom you have given birth and asks the same
question or repeats a question over and over again even though you answered it
the first time.
Mom. Mom. Mom.
Mom, who makes
Who makes airplanes?
And pineapples? Why are there pineapples? And airplanes? Who makes airplanes?
Um, there's a factory.
Airplanes. For the airplanes.
When we flew to Mexico
why were the seats blue?
Why is that man over
there wearing blue?
I'm not sure. I've never actually met him so I don't know
why he's wearing blue.
Do you think he has
Do you think
pineapples have magic powers?
When do you think they
make the airplanes? And who makes them? Like is it one person or a lot of
people? Who makes airplanes? Do you think the people who make airplanes have
magic powers? And how did they know airplanes could fly? What if they didn't?
Just guess, what would happen if an airplane didn't have magic powers and
couldn't fly?(pause) Mom? Mom? Mom?
The above conversation is a real conversation, condensed for
time, between my little askholes and me. The subject matter of their questions is irrelevant. They could be
asking about airplanes or pineapples, Spongebob or the Great Barrier Reef.
That's because askholes don't care what they are asking about. They have a
primal need to ask questions about anything and everything, all the frickin'
You should know that, in my lifetime, I have been described
as a very patient person. But that all changed when I gave birth to my two
askholes. These little people seem hell bent on driving me slowly
insane, one question at a time. They
will ask about real things like, "Why are there galaxies?" "Why do you have
freckles?" and "Why did you marry daddy?" They will ask questions I couldn't possibly answer: "Why is that man
over there walking?" "Where is that lady going?" and "Why do we live on Earth?"
And then they will ask questions with subject matters that aren't even real: "Mommy,
if a ghost came into our house what do you think it would do?" "If we didn't
have hair, what would it feel like?" and "If gravity didn't work, where would we sleep?" are all questions I might be
required to answer on any given day.
Askholes don't just ask a question and move on. They ask the same question in rapid fire succession, thousands of times.
For a while, I
thought my children's questions were their way of easing anxiety. Kids have no context for information. And so,
I thought, their questions are almost like a lovey. It's soothing to ask the
same question until you get an answer that's satisfying. I assumed there was a calming power to asking
repeated, irrelevant, unanswerable questions over and over again until they
either pass out from exhaustion, or I do.
But now I've changed my theory. My children aren't anxious. They're not trying to soothe themselves.
They're trying to win the world record for most questions asked. They just like to hear themselves talk! It's like
life is paying them by the word, and that word is "why." Because clearly when they were born someone
whispered in their ear, "Always be curious." And yes, that person is an askhole without the "k."
So if you are wondering if your children are askholes, they
probably are. Please note that askholes
are not kids with special needs nor do they have impulsivity issues. Askholes are kids who see life through question-colored
lenses. Here are the tell tale signs your kid is an askhole.
1. Your child is awake
If your child is awake your child is probably asking you, his teacher or his friends a question. No, make that a lot of questions. And yes, askholes are not above
talking in their sleep. It may be midnight, but it's never too late to ask mom
a question she couldn't possibly answer.
2. Your child has been born
Askholes don't have to have started speaking yet, they just have to
have been born. That's because even infants and yet-verbal toddlers can point
and grunt the words, "Why is that table brown and not green?"
3. Does your child repeat the same question over and over again 7 to 7,000 times per hour?
Askholes don't just ask a question and move
on. They ask the same question in rapid fire succession, thousands of times.
They ask questions faster than an auctioneer selling off livestock and they
never seem to tire of hearing the same thing over and over again. You will, but
4. For your child's birthday, you're considering giving her a box of "shut up!"
You dream of spa trips, vacations alone or
even rehab just so you can get some peace and quiet. You're even considering
becoming a monk, just for the mandatory silence.
5. You're starting a Kickstarter campaign for earplugs your kids can't see
We'll help you.
Where do we send the check?
6. You plan playdates just so your kid can ask someone else why ninjas wear black
You keep family, friends and other kids
around just so you can get a break from being the question answerer.
7. You're considering changing your name to "Not-Mom"
mind the sleepless nights or sore nipples when the kids were babies. But now every time you hear the words, "Mommy,
why…?" you wince.
8. You wear fake hearing aids just so your kids think you're deaf
Mistakenly, you think if you say, "What?" enough times your kids will tire. They
won't, but good try.
Sounds like you've got some askholes, too. Don't worry, it's
not too long before your kids are grown and the only thing they'll want to say
to you is, "Huh?" or "I dunno." Even then you still won't miss it when they were
askholes, but you won't like their caveman speak either.