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18 Signs You're a Mom in Recovery

My Facebook feed is full of jokes and memes about kicking back with a few drinks to relieve the stress of parenting. There's the one about how "the most expensive part of raising kids is how much the wine costs" or the one with the tired-looking woman who says, "I'm going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreeze."

I laugh even though I don't drink alcohol. And I don't drink because I'm in recovery. It turns out there are plenty of other signs that you're a mom in recovery that have little or nothing to do with actually imbibing spirits.

RELATED: 30 Questions My Mom Never Would Have Asked

Here are the top 18 signs you're a mom in recovery:

1. You programmed your sponsor on your speed dial right after the pediatrician.

2. Next to your children's locks of hair are your sobriety coins.

3. When you disappear for about an hour at the same time every week, you're going to your 12-step meeting.

4. When your kids are driving you bananas, you say the Serenity Prayer over and over.

5. When you screw up with your kids, you promptly make amends.

6. You have explained to your kids what "amends" are.

7. You're the one at the table who ordered the sparkling water at Mom's night out.

8. When the dinner bill comes, you are thrilled when someone suggests that the people who didn't drink should pay less. Ca-ching!

9. You always volunteer to bring an appetizer or a dessert, but never the booze.

10. You answer a lot of questions about why you don't drink.

11. People who suspect they have a drinking problem avoid you (until they get really, really scared, then they call you late at night to ask about "those meetings").

12. You're the designated driver for the night of the school gala with the open bar.

13. You never need to see the wine list.

14. You have extra room in your kitchen cabinet where wine glasses are supposed to go.

15. You know creative ways to describe to your non-recovery friends how you know your recovery friends so as not to blow their anonymity: "We met through friends!"

16. Your dream house does not include a wine cellar or wet bar.

RELATED: 11 Signs You're Not Getting Enough Sleep

17. You don't laugh when Hollywood starlets crash and burn after a long, sordid run of drinking and clubbing under the paparazzi's avaricious lens.

18. You never pick a restaurant because of its drink specials.

Image via Twenty20/gobboz

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