My mom-brain has turned to mush! Between
my own job and my job as a mom, there's not much time left in the day to read a
book or the newspaper. Even the Singapore Math my son does for first-grade
homework confounds me. It's only a
matter of time until I'm not smarter than my fifth-grader.
In anticipation of my kid learning things that I've long
since forgotten or never cared about in the first place, I'm trying to brush
up on my long division, my algebra and those dreaded classics. Sure, most of my
brushing up involves me Googling or Wiki-ing the Cliff's Notes. But if I
were to actually sit down and reread Shakespeare or Chaucer, I'm fairly
certain I'd have no time left for feeding and clothing my kids.
In my studies I came across Dante's "Inferno," which is the
beginning of the epic poem "Divine Comedy." "Inferno," as it turns out, is
Italian for "hell." The 14th-century epic poem tells the story of the writer
suffering through the nine circles of hell located within Earth.
Let's face it, some parts
of motherhood are downright hellish. And while it seems like those sleepless
nights with infants or days spent comforting a teething child are hell, they're
not. That's because those phases end quickly. The real nine circles of hell for moms last longer and make even the
most patient woman feel like she is in the middle of an Italian classic. Here
1.Going to the shoe store with toddlers
This is a special brand of torture for any
parent who dares to get a child to sit down and try on shoes. There is no
amount of bribery or threats that can keep a child off the escalator, which is almost always located next to the shoe department. Maybe the
kid's shoe department should be located there.
The good news is your child won't always be
a toddler. The bad news is, it'll always be hell to buy your kid shoes. Maybe that's why some cultures go barefoot.
You'll come home having not bought the one thing you came for and vow never to take your child to Target again.
It's a well-known fact that every child under
27 has to have a meltdown in Target while you're on the tail end of 490 scowling strangers' rude glances. You'll come home having not bought
the one thing you came for and vow never to take your child to Target again.
Because, of course, shopping with kids is hell. Otherwise, you'd do it more
3.Teaching your teen to drive
Most teens are about as focused as a
newborn and they have the same gross motor skills. If you're the unlucky parent
who draws the short stick in the game known as "Who has to take their life into
their own hands and teach this kid to drive?"—you're in for a real treat. Your kid will hate you by the end of their
first lesson. You will have realized no amount of prescription medication can
get you through freeway driving with a teen. And then you'll call in a professional, knowing full well you're not getting in the car with your teen until he or she
is 30. Even then you'll say, "Driving with my kid is hell."
4.The color pink
Some historian will soon discover some
ancient cave drawings that explain the color pink was invented
to drive mothers of daughters slowly insane. That's because many little girls see the world through
pink-colored lenses. That means girls will want to wear only pink clothing, live in
an only pink room and eat only pink food. And at
some point, every toddler girl will demand to be called "Pinkalicious." You'll hope someday your pink lover will get over her
pink obsession only to realize the teen years are coming. Then you'll pray she
doesn't go goth.
5.Flying with your children
Every new mom vows not to be that mom who
stops doing the things she likes to do simply because she had a child. That includes travel. But the truth is, flying with one's children is a special brand of hell that never seems to
end. That's because your otherwise perfect sleeper and mild-mannered child will
go totally nuts when confined for more than seven seconds in a flying
tube. You'll still be on the runway
when you decide you're not flying with your kid until he's in double digits. Flying with kids is hell, for you and for
everyone around you.
Before having children, most moms dream of
birthing a little tutu-wearing ballerina, and then you have one. And while it's cute to see your little
Baryshnikov tendu her way through class every Wednesday afternoon, it's not so
cute to spend four hours watching the end-of-year dance show. That's because the cute part of the dance
show only lasts so long. And spending four hours, totally sober, watching
little girls hobble their way through "Uptown Funk" is somewhat excruciating,
even if the little one in the middle is yours.
Summer break, also known as three months of hell for mothers, is about three months too long.
In every mother's mind, summer break looks
like a Frankie and Annette movie filled with beach days where kids randomly
break into song just because. But summer break, also known as three months of
hell for mothers, is about three months too long. The kids will
miss their friends, mom will miss work, spin class and every bit of
productivity, all by day two.
Long before you decide to have "the talk" with your 12-year-old, he probably knows all there is to know. You'll sweat
your way through explaining the birds and the bees to your child who would
rather be anywhere but there, only to have your kid respond by saying, "Yeah, Mom, I know." Total hell.
You've endured 12 years of summer breaks
and dance recitals, but nothing is as hellish as saying goodbye to your
children and sending them off into the world. Sure, they'll come back to do
laundry and to pick up some cash, but it won't be the same once they're not
living under your roof. So much of life
as a mom is hellish, but it's heaven compared to saying goodbye.