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8 Things Every Mom Should Buy If She Wins the Lottery

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I'm going to win the lottery. I swear, I'm going to win. My husband thinks I'm nuts, playing every week for years without so much as a buck in return. He's quick to remid me that the chances of winning are about one in one trillion. "Why don't you just throw money into the street," he says. Trust me. If I thought that would help me win, I'd do it.

I'm what's called lottery-obsessed. I buy the same amount of tickets from the same gas station mini mart on the same day of the week, every week. I want fate to reward me for my persistent determination. So I ritualistically try to win each and every week.

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I have to. That's because I'm a mom, and we moms need some things that only money can buy. See raising kids is the hardest thing any of us will ever do. Money is the one thing that can make it easier. And for every person who says money won't buy you happiness, there's a full-time nanny who can certainly help.

You know those people who say they wouldn't change a thing if they won the lottery? I'm not one of them, and probably neither are you. That's because you're a mom. Here's what you should do with that cash you're probably never going to win.

1. Bigger house

When the kids are sleeping, most moms use very elaborate ninja moves just to walk through the house without stepping on that one creaky floorboard that always wakes the kids. I'm dreaming of a house so big I could scream, yell and yes, walk on hardwood floors without waking my kids. Aren't you?

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy me the ability to poop in private.

2.Tummy tuck and a tit lift

You know when you put too much cream cheese on a bagel and you need to scrape the excess off with a knife? That's what the front of my body needs—a scrape. That costs cash, people! Winning the lottery could give me the body of my dreams, or at least the one I had before I had kids.

3. Full-time nanny, but just for airplane rides

Remember when flying used to be a great time catch up on People Magazine, Netflix and booze? The skies can once again be friendly with that nice lady whose only job is to play "Stop Hitting the Seat in Front of You" with your kids while you sit in First Class and pretend not to know them.

4. Fashion from the same decade you're in

Every Mom is one lotto ticket away from looking as good as Victoria Beckham.

5. Clothes that fit

And while you're spending your unlimited budget, no longer do you have to wear pre-baby clothing or last year's jeans that technically don't fit well past your ankles because you've spent your whole budget on glasses and braces for the kids now. You're loaded now. You can wear clothes that fit! Woot!

6. Someone to clean the toilet

If I did nothing else with my lottery winnings, I'd hire someone to clean the house. And not just once a week—every damned day! But my kids would still have to clean their rooms. I won the lottery, not them.

7. His and her bathrooms for me and the hubs

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy me the ability to poop in private. Worth every penny.

8. Family vacations good enough for Instagram

Sometimes having kids means making financial choices that leave your family home. Meanwhile, it seems like everyone you've ever met is posting fabulous family vacation pictures from everywhere from Gstaad to Fiji. Now you, too, get to pack your bags and post pictures that make your vacation with kids look better than it actually is.

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The bad new is, this week I didn't win. The good news is, if the only things I need to fix about my life are peeing in private and not getting to vacation as much as I like, than life is pretty good.

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