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My friend CG just
posted a photo of her husband's ass. No, its not a sexy pic mistakenly posted.
It's a picture of the one lone Cheerio that her husband unknowingly had stuck
to the back of his shorts. There it was, for all the world—or at least all of
her Facebook friends—to see.
Those of us who
saw it had a good laugh at his expense, but we really weren't laughing at him.
We were laughing with him. Because each one of us who has children knows that
we are always one Cheerio on the ass away from being publicly humiliated as
impossible to be a parent and leave the house stain-free. Sure you can do the once-over in the mirror
before a night out and basically cover yourself in a Hazmat suit when you dare
wear white within a handprint's reach around your children, but there's no
accounting for what is behind you.
And if you think
for a second that our children are just tiny slobs who see the world through
mess-colored lenses, think again. Our children are secretly marking their
territory as if to let all the other children know, "This messy lady is mine."
So don't begrudge your little slob, but do be aware. And take a look behind
you. Otherwise, your friends might be laughing at that handprint streaking
across your tush. You're welcome.
Cereal is an easy on-the-go snack for little
ones. It's also the perfect snack to get mashed into a couch cushion or car seat where it will lie, waiting for you to sit on it and unknowingly
wear it around the supermarket or school drop off. Top of the mornin'!
The walls of the house can look
like a scene from "The Shining" if your kids, and their jelly-stained hands,
have anything to do with it. So next
time you lean against the wall while you're checking the mail or catching up on
"People" magazine, remember there's probably now a jelly handprint covering
3. Spilled juice
It was sticky and totally embarrassing when my kid screamed across the park, "Mommy, what's that on your butt?"
This is a personal favorite of mine since just the other day I was at the park with my
kids and accidentally sat down in the remnants of a sweet young kid's Jamba
Juice. Razmatazz? Strawberry Surfrider?
Mango Tango? I have no idea which it was. And I also have no idea how long it
was there. But I do know that it was sticky and totally embarrassing when my
kid screamed across the park, "Mommy, what's that on your butt?"
There is no
chance that any parent will endure their children's childhoods without getting
glue on their pants. There's just no way. Because while your children are doing that fabulous art project that has kept
them quiet for the past hour, they are also getting glue on everything but the project. And since glue is clear or white, you won't know you're sitting in it
until it's way too late. Fun!
5. Indelible ink
kids will color perfectly with those washable pens and crayons you got them,
but that one random Sharpie you've kept hidden but not hidden will be
found and used. Don't worry, you'll find
that missing pen when you sit down in its wake.
I've never really understood
kids' fascination with stickers, especially because they love to sticker
everything from themselves to the walls the fridge. They also like to sticker your backside,
which looks adorable with that Sleeping Beauty sticker by the way.
If you're like me you use the
thickest sunscreen to protect your kids from the sun. But eventually the kids will want to do it
themselves, which means sunscreen handprints everywhere. The bad news is, you'll definitely sit in it.
The good news is, your butt is now protected from the sun for the next 45
It'll be tough to explain to your co-workers why you have glitter on your pant suit, but if they have kids they already know.
Glitter seems like a fun art
accessory until the kids sprinkle it everywhere, including your office chair,
couch and maybe even the toilet seat. It'll be tough to explain to your co-workers why you have glitter on
your pant suit, but if they have kids they already know.
9. Mashed up food
no food kids can't mash up and hide. So
beware of any missing Goldfish crackers, bananas or berries. They're probably on your behind.
10. That missing art project
though it doesn't look like much, you'll be thrilled when your kid brings his
or her art home from school. But when it goes missing, just take a look behind you. Chances are it's hanging like a kite from
So while we
parents are surely in for a series of humiliating accidents that involve us walking
through malls for hours on end, not knowing we've got a smoothie on our butt or
an Elsa sticker on our cheeks, we can only hope our children won't remember. Let's pray they don't take a picture and put it on Facebook!