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99% of Parents Think You Should Take Your Parenting Studies and Shove It

According to a new important study just released five minutes ago, an overwhelming number of parents say they are sick and tired of parenting studies. The very recent study—by a big, influential study company—polled 500 parents and found that a whopping 495 of them indicated they would physically harm the next person who tried to judge their parenting skills by presenting a study. The other five remaining people just held up their middle finger.

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"If I see one more study shared on Facebook about what a crappy parent I am, I will personally hunt down the author and knock out their teeth," said Molly Listings, who just resigned as CEO of a large investment firm after previously becoming reinstated as CEO after previously resigning, all in reaction to various parenting studies about working vs. stay-at-home mothers.

Of the parents polled, most expressed anger over the numerous studies that seek to rate their parenting abilities based on whether they work, stay at home, exercise, breastfeed or serve juice during playdates.

If it weren't for these studies, how would anyone know if they were being bad parents for cripes sake?

"I quit my job to stay home with my kids because of some goddamned story in Inc. Magazine, and now some new study says working dads are happier," lamented Jeff Willoway, wiping away a tear with the edge of his man-apron that he made himself after reading a study about crafty dads. "To make matters worse, at the same time another study came out that said dads who worked were sexier, so my wife left me for some guy at her gym because, you know, he has a job."

The very important study—which was divided equally among two-parent households, single-parent households, gay and straight households, suburban and city-dwelling households, and human and animal households—indicated that virtually every single parent on the planet has had it up to here with researchers judging how they are raising their kids. "Let me tell you what you can do with your study," hissed single, atheist mom Kendra Springs as she pulled into a local McDonald's on her way to pick up her three kids, who were wandering around the park unsupervised.

Social psychologist Charles Toews says this widespread "study fatigue" is to be expected, although he expressed hope that the backlash would subside in time for his soon-to-be released study comparing moms who wear long pants to those that wear capris. "I think it will finally shed some light on the effect that women's calves have on the psyche of developing children," Toews says about his groundbreaking research.

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Others, like researcher Dana Flinnert, disagree with the recent study and say there are not nearly enough studies being published that make parents feel bad about themselves.

"Listen, if it weren't for these studies, how would anyone know if they were being bad parents for cripes sake?" Flinnert, who caused controversy with her widely circulated study, titled "All Of You Are Doing It Wrong," cited her three perfect children as proof that studies are effective, and says it was a parenting study that first alerted her to the fact that she was an inadequate mother and spurred her to try harder, work less, eat healthier, listen better, engage differently, do more and do it slower.

Image via Twenty20/yukamilafotos

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