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According to a new
important study just released five minutes ago, an overwhelming number of
parents say they are sick and tired of parenting studies. The very recent study—by a big, influential study company—polled 500 parents and found that a
whopping 495 of them indicated they would physically harm the next person
who tried to judge their parenting skills by presenting a study. The other five
remaining people just held up their middle finger.
"If I see one
more study shared on Facebook about what a crappy parent I am, I will
personally hunt down the author and knock out their teeth," said Molly Listings,
who just resigned as CEO of a large investment firm after previously becoming
reinstated as CEO after previously resigning, all in reaction to various
parenting studies about working vs. stay-at-home mothers.
parents polled, most expressed anger over the numerous studies that seek to
rate their parenting abilities based on whether they work, stay at home,
exercise, breastfeed or serve juice during playdates.
If it weren't for these studies, how would anyone know if they were being bad parents for cripes sake?
"I quit my job to stay
home with my kids because of some goddamned story in Inc. Magazine, and now
some new study says working dads are happier," lamented Jeff Willoway, wiping
away a tear with the edge of his man-apron that he made himself after reading a
study about crafty dads. "To make matters worse, at the same time another study
came out that said dads who worked were sexier, so my wife left me for some guy
at her gym because, you know, he has a job."
important study—which was divided
equally among two-parent households, single-parent households, gay and straight
households, suburban and city-dwelling households, and human and animal
households—indicated that virtually every single parent on the planet has had
it up to here with researchers judging how they are raising their kids. "Let me
tell you what you can do with your study," hissed single, atheist mom Kendra
Springs as she pulled into a local McDonald's on her way to pick up her three
kids, who were wandering around the park unsupervised.
psychologist Charles Toews says this widespread "study fatigue" is to be
expected, although he expressed hope that the backlash would subside in time
for his soon-to-be released study comparing moms who wear long pants to those
that wear capris. "I think it will finally shed some light on the effect that
women's calves have on the psyche of developing children," Toews says about his
Others, like researcher
Dana Flinnert, disagree with the recent study and say there are not nearly
enough studies being published that make parents feel bad about themselves.
"Listen, if it weren't for these studies, how would anyone know if they were
being bad parents for cripes sake?" Flinnert, who caused controversy with her
widely circulated study, titled "All Of You Are Doing It Wrong," cited her three
perfect children as proof that studies are effective, and says it was a
parenting study that first alerted her to the fact that she was an inadequate
mother and spurred her to try harder, work less, eat healthier, listen better,
engage differently, do more and do it slower.