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7 Things Moms Do Better Stoned

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Lea Grover likes to get high. Her drug of choice is pot and she likes to smoke it because she says it makes her a better mother. Lea is the mother to three young kids. And when her twins were 1, the stress and anxiety of parenting twins led her to open a stash of pot she hadn't touched in years and take a few puffs.

"Two puffs was all it took," she writes in an essay in Cosmopolitan. "To get me as high as I like to be." After Lea's two puffs, she returned to change her daughter's diapers and remarks that she felt different. She writes, "Normally, I'd have put her back in a new diaper, worrying about pee on the floor. But a bit high, I didn't care. It was urine. I cleaned urine all the time. So what if she pees? She's happy! It's a hardwood floor, and I have a WetJet!"

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I don't like to get high. My drug of choice is a healthy combination of worrying about my kids and grinding my teeth down to sandstone. In fact, I barely drink when I'm around my kids for fear of being in an altered state that might leave me unable to properly tend to my kids.

But as I read Lea's essay, it occurred to me that I might be missing the boat. If you've ever spent time with a pot smoker, you know they are vehement that pot is no different than alcohol. A die-hard pot smoker might break out some statistics that end with something like, "No one ever died from smoking pot, but millions of people die from alcoholism every year." Personally, I've always felt like neither was a great option. And I would certainly never think to partake in either when I'm responsible for my kids.

But reading Lea's essay, it occurs to me that there are a lot of things we moms could be doing better if we'd just toke up and get high. Pass the Doritos and take a look.

1. A stoned mom won't worry if her children pee on the floor

Diapers and toilets have always seemed like a good idea to me and millions of other parents.

Grover's nearly euphoric describing her revelation that, while stoned, she no longer felt the need to put her then 1-year-old child in a diaper. Pee on the floor was just fine. Me personally, I've always felt like pee was something that didn't belong on the floor. Diapers and toilets have always seemed like a good idea to me and millions of other parents, but apparently if we light up, we'll realize that pee on the floor is just pee on the floor.

2. Get high and you'll finish your children's Cheetos, no problem

Even the most calorie-conscious mom will be mainlining salty snacks the minute she lights up. This will keep her children from eating them. Sure they have a stoner for a mom, but at least they aren't eating that junk food anymore.

3. You'll laugh at your children's terrible jokes

Most moms struggle through their kid's knock-knock joke that won't end. Get high and you may not be able to remember your children's names, but you will laugh at their awful jokes.

4. You'll be able to explain "Uncle Grandpa" to your kids

The only way to understand some kids' shows is to be in an altered state, which is probably the state the writers were in when they wrote it. Pizza Steve, wtf?

5. You'll be able to finish an entire pizza by yourself

Cleaning the fridge is a total drag that most of us rarely get to. But not a stoned mom. Her fridge is spotless because she ate everything at 4 a.m.

6. You'll introduce your kids to real music

Kids these days love Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. But once you've had a few puffs, you'll turn on your favorite jam bands and introduce your kids to songs that never seem to end. It'll be the longest game of freeze dance known to mankind!

7. When high, you'll probably be a less anxious mom

Pot does tend to relax people, so it would probably relax most moms as Grover suggests. It can also make you lethargic, unable to form coherent thoughts and unable to drive safely.

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So while Lea Grover is probably correct that smoking pot makes her a less anxious mom, I'm fairly certain it doesn't make her a better one. Dealing with her anxiety instead of numbing it would probably make her a better mom, but that would mean she'd have to get off the couch to do it.

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