If you've ever been separated or divorced with kids, maintaining a healthy relationship with your ex is essential to a hell- and
hate-free life. But it isn't always easy. There's a reason you're no longer
married to this person, despite sharing DNA with an adorable living, breathing
There may be many reasons in fact, but it all boils to a single head: You were married to a dick. You couldn't stand another shared
breath in the same space with this person and now your innocent child has to bounce
between you two asshats.
But you gotta keep the boat rocking smooth so you don't turn into the Exorcist, especially when you receive that text message, yet again, that they're running "just a few minutes late" for pick up or can't make child support.
Maybe the whole experience simply calcifies memory
until it dries up like the once fluffy egg-filled linings of our collective
uteri. This is the good news. Slowly, over time, you may soften, because holding on to rage, pain, guilt, shame and regret causes
cancer. Don't quote me. I'm no MD. But I am a doctor of how to handle two baby
And there's a LOT of planning, coordinating and communicating with them involved. If I invented an app for all that I have to do with them on a daily basis I'd be rich. (Please
don't steal my idea, I'm working on it). It's a mental Power Point spreadsheet
of daily coordination, and frankly the only administrative job I'm qualified
for. From my years of experience handling baby daddies, I know good and well
why it's imperative to keep things positive. Here are my top five reasons.
1. The children
Your mind must swing back to your kid if you get all outta whack.
Duh, I know. As obvious as this is, it's easy to forget in the heat of a "You gotta be fucking kidding moment." If I had an AHA moment
for every YGBFKM moment, I'd be co-hosting Super Soul Sundays with Oprah by now.
So, always, your mind must swing back to your kid if you get all outta whack. Or if you're feeling the need to whack the ex off.
Yes, everyone is always focused on the kids and how you did the right thing for
the kid, blah, blah, blah. But don't forget you. This means don't be ashamed
to embrace how being on good terms is always a benefit to you. Because you have
been through hell sister, and mommy deserves a little love.
This also means timely child support. If you are new to the game, your ex will make you feel
like shit on the first of every month when you need to remind them one, two, 10 times that it's due. They will be passive-aggressive in subtle ways to gnaw
at the self-esteem you are now just getting back on Tinder. They may make you feel like it's a favor they
are doing, or that it's a pay off, or you are "living on handouts." It's all
bullshit. It's called the law, people. You want this transaction to be as light
as possible so that it can benefit you. Because when you are on bad terms, they will drop some psychic
shit on your soul that you do not need, missy. So keep it cool, and you'll have an automatic barrier from potential negative energy once a month. And you
thought your period made you feel bad.
3. The holidays
This is one of the hardest times of year and I suggest really
working on compassion, gratitude and forgiveness around somewhere in October. Have
you experienced Halloween watching your kid dressed up like a cat and
high on sugar? There's nothing worse. If you are on "yah, we cool" terms with
your ex, then you can all caravan together. If you are, "Yah, we're totally down!" that means new girlfriends, boyfriends or spouses are all in on the action. I
have been doing this for years because "We all cool and we all down." Both
daddies and I all go rock out with our costumes and work the trick or
treating like a bunch of banshees. Let's not get started on Thanksgiving,
Christmas, Kwanza, Hanukkah and New Year's. And Boxing Day.
4. Benefits to faking it
You just might feel a real shift from heavy negative vibes to something lighter and less morose.
Even if you don't feel like you're on good terms, if you "act as if" or "fake it 'til you make it" you just
might feel a real shift from heavy negative vibes to something lighter and less
morose. Faking it will create a new emotional map, new neural brain
connections to elicit happiness and well ... change your life. Once again, I'm no
scientist, but I swear I read this scrolling through Facebook in the shower
once and it totally stuck. Maybe it was an #instaquote? Oh, who cares. It's
clearly true. Try it.
makes wrinkles inside and out and it's not pretty
It's all about you now. And
you need to look and feel and look your best. The weight (gain) from not
clearing things up with your ex can weigh so heavily on your soul that you
will shrivel in all the wrong places. Your hips will get bigger but your heart
will shrink into a pluot pit. This creates a downward pull on the face, eyes,
nose and mouth. The only good part about a harrowing divorce is that, while
expensive, it comes with a free diet. But once you move past this phase and
have gained the weight back, making up for six months of accidental starvation,
you need to watch out for what anger does to your looks. Did you see Demi after she and Ash got divorced? It didn't look or smell pretty, even though there was
incense involved. You gottta release the bad karma because it ages you in a way
Botox cannot repair.
For the most part I practice what I preach and my kids see
me having lot of laughs and fun with their dads. I do my best to model that
just because we are not together it does not automatically mean the opposite
I also keep a mantra to remember the good stuff and let go of the bad
stuff. I have two amazing kids that were hell-bent on materializing into this
world, and for that, I am grateful to their dads. And if you're as crazy as me, you'll let your ex know this every now and
then. You'll thank them. Out of the blue. Whenever.
Try it and feel the warmth. Try as best as you can
to keep alive even the tiniest flicker of this magical connection that only you
two have, and you'll reap the benefits of a healthy co-parenting environment. And
who knows? You just may get Thanksgiving two years in a row.