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5 Types of Parents That Emerge on Halloween to Haunt You

Photograph by Twenty20

Halloween has become a ritual of eating too much candy and letting the darker side of our nature show. As parents this is no less true. We may no longer trick or treat or party (as hard) as we used to. But there is something about the holiday that forces us to air our parental Id—and it isn't pretty. Behold, five archetypes of the Halloween parent. This is a very serious and definitive list that's not to be trifled with.

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1. The Gory Parent

This parent has the creepiest house. Dolls with vacant eyes stare out from the windows. Skeletons hang from the trees. Fake corpses line their steps. At least you think they are fake. Are they fake? When anyone expresses fear or dismay, this parent laughs nervously. "It's fun!" They insist. "It's fun!" This parent is probably a serial killer. Give them good candy and back away slowly.

2. The Last-Minute Parent

Her kids' costumes always look like hobos, even though they insist they are actually a princess and a ninja.

I have a soft spot for this parent. She is busy. She knows her kids are just going to change their mind the day before Halloween anyway. She doesn't give two craps about having a perfect Halloween, and she just wants to get to the part where she gets to binge on Crunch bars and drink whiskey while watching "Rosemary's Baby." Her kids' costumes always look like hobos, even though they insist they are actually a princess and a ninja. Don't judge this mom. Give her a beer. Open one yourself.

3. The Cutesy Halloween Parent

This mom is the one who left the Halloween basket at your door. You know, that cute little pumpkin-shaped basket filled with goodies that you must now pass on to three other people. This is the basket equivalent of a menacing chain letter, made manifest into some cutesy little craft that you now have to do! This mom also buys very expensive costumes and everyone is always coordinated. Her social media feeds are flooded with charming photos of her children playing in the leaves. Instead of candy, this mom hands out gift bags with raffia attached. This mom is probably the real serial killer.

4. The Too Holy for Halloween Parent

Halloween? Oh, you mean All Hallows Eve? The night of evil? That night? Well, this parent doesn't cotton to the satanic rituals of our morally bankrupt society. This parent will be attending a fall harvest festival at their local Assembly of God church and they would love for you to come and just have some fun. Relax. Learn about Jesus and how every time you celebrate Halloween you are asking the devil to drug-addict your kids or make them gay abortionists. This parent is judging you.

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5. The Too Scared for Halloween Parent

This parent is freaked out, not about ghost, goblins and ghouls, but about razor blades in candy and cocaine in chocolate. This parent is constantly posting Halloween safety tips in their social media feeds and hands out toothbrushes. This parent just wants you to know that some "suspicious men" have been seen in the neighborhood. This parent does not appreciate it when you point out that his kid has a better chance of dying in a car accident than by ingesting Halloween candy. This parent is no fun. Ban this parent from everything.

Explore More: funny, advice, Halloween, holiday, parenting styles
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