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Halloween has become a ritual of eating too much candy and
letting the darker side of our nature show. As parents this is no less true. We
may no longer trick or treat or party (as hard) as we used to. But there is
something about the holiday that forces us to air our parental Id—and it isn't
pretty. Behold, five archetypes of the Halloween parent. This is a very serious and definitive list that's not to be trifled with.
This parent has the creepiest house. Dolls with vacant eyes
stare out from the windows. Skeletons hang from the trees. Fake corpses line
their steps. At least you think they are fake. Are they fake? When anyone
expresses fear or dismay, this parent laughs nervously. "It's fun!" They
insist. "It's fun!" This parent is probably a serial killer. Give them good candy and back away slowly.
2. The Last-Minute Parent
Her kids' costumes always look like hobos, even though they insist they are actually a princess and a ninja.
I have a soft spot for this parent. She is busy. She knows
her kids are just going to change their mind the day before Halloween anyway.
She doesn't give two craps about having a perfect Halloween, and she just wants to
get to the part where she gets to binge on Crunch bars and drink whiskey while
watching "Rosemary's Baby." Her kids' costumes always look like hobos, even though they insist they are actually a
princess and a ninja. Don't judge this mom. Give her a beer. Open one yourself.
3. The Cutesy Halloween Parent
This mom is the one who left the Halloween basket at your
door. You know, that cute little pumpkin-shaped basket filled with goodies that
you must now pass on to three other people. This is the basket equivalent of a
menacing chain letter, made manifest into some cutesy little craft that you now
have to do! This mom also buys very expensive costumes and everyone is always
coordinated. Her social media feeds are flooded with charming photos of her
children playing in the leaves. Instead of candy, this mom hands out gift bags
with raffia attached. This mom is probably the real serial killer.
4. The Too Holy for
Halloween? Oh, you mean All Hallows Eve? The night of evil?
That night? Well, this parent doesn't cotton to the satanic rituals of our
morally bankrupt society. This parent will be attending a fall harvest festival
at their local Assembly of God church and they would love for you to come and
just have some fun. Relax. Learn about Jesus and how every time you celebrate
Halloween you are asking the devil to drug-addict your kids or make them gay
abortionists. This parent is judging you.
This parent is freaked out, not about ghost, goblins and
ghouls, but about razor blades in candy and cocaine in chocolate. This parent is
constantly posting Halloween safety tips in their social media feeds and hands
out toothbrushes. This parent just wants you to know that some "suspicious men"
have been seen in the neighborhood. This parent does not appreciate it when you
point out that his kid has a better chance of dying in a car accident than by
ingesting Halloween candy. This parent is no fun. Ban this parent from