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All The Things You'll Miss Because Your Kid Has to Poop

Photograph by Twenty20

This past Labor Day, my husband and I took our two kids to Legoland for a surprise end-of-summer trip. The trip was wonderful, I think. Everyone had a great time, so I hear. Legoland was a blast, apparently.

I didn't see much of Carlsbad, Calif., nor did I get to enjoy most of Legoland. What I did see was the inside of, what seemed to be, every public restroom at our hotel and the city at large. When asked later by friends about the quality of our hotel I could only respond, "I have no idea, but they have a very clean bathroom just to the left of the restaurant."

That's because both my children's body clocks seem to be on Only in Public Standard Time, which is to say neither will ever have to go to the bathroom at home or in a hotel room. But the minute we get in the car or go somewhere interesting to me, suddenly they'll have to go. And they'll have an entourage to go with them.

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To clarify, when I say "go," I don't mean the quick pee that requires parental supervision for a minute or two. I mean the other kind of, "Mommy, I have to go." We're talking No. 2 here, people. We're talking about an investment of time, which has a kid sitting patiently on the toilet waiting to finish his or her business while carrying on an entire conversation with his or her parent, who has probably taken the other child just 10 minutes prior to do the exact same thing.

I'm like Google for toilets. Every mother is.

And like clockwork, my kids only have to poop when my dinner has just arrived. And no, they don't have to go when I've ordered a salad. They've got a bodily emergency when there's something on the table, which will inevitably be cold by the time I return from spending the duration of dinner in the restroom.

Despite my husband and I regularly tagging out and alternating which parent will take which of our little Poopers to the pooper, I inevitably miss more. That's because I'm convinced that my children have figured out that a public restroom is one of the few places they have me as a captive audience.

So if you want to know how Legoland was, ask someone else. If you want to know where are the best bathrooms in Southern California, I'm like Google for toilets. Every mother is. So while you're having quality time with your kid in the john, here's what you're missing.

1. Dinner

Sure you haven't had time to eat all day, but that won't matter to your kid's bowels. The minute your piping hot steak arrives at your table your kid will be doing the potty dance and saying he has to go. By the time the rest of your family is finishing their dessert, your kid will be done. It's a great way to stay thin, just not a great way to eat dinner.

2. Family Vacation

You will miss the Louvre, the Empire State Building and all of Maui. And yes, you just spent a fortune to take your family on vacation, but you won't miss every public restroom within a 10-mile radius. Consider it quality time with your kid!

3. Movies

Your kids will not have to go to the bathroom before you leave the house to see "Hotel Transylvania 2." And, they won't have to use the loo before the movie starts when you say, "Let's all use the bathroom before the movie starts." But as soon as the lights go down and you've secured seats, one of them will have to go, ensuring you all miss half the movie and lose your really good seats.

4. That Rare Family Photo Opp

No one will notice until after your 87 relatives who have flown in from all over the world have gathered to take that one moment-in-time family photo that you aren't in it and neither is your little one. She was too busy saying, "Take me to the bathroom, please!" to say, "Cheese." Oh well. You didn't want to be in that photo anyway, did you?

5. The Only-In-18-Years-Eclipse

Despite you and the hubs corralling everyone on the roof of a friend's house to see that once-in-18-years lunar eclipse, you'll miss it. You won't miss the inside of the nearest restroom, but you will miss that moon event that everyone will be talking about the next day.

6. Your Best Friend's Wedding

When your best friend asked if your kids would be in her wedding you should have said, "Only if your wedding takes place in a restroom." Because just as your bestie is saying, "I do," your big one will be saying, "I gotta go." Now you know why some brides don't allow children at weddings.

RELATED: Confessions of a Serial Brexter

You'll also miss the time the President of the United States' motorcade comes through your town, the time a real unicorn was spotted, and a Major League Baseball record being broken that day. Hawaii was probably overrated anyway.

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