This past Labor Day, my husband and I took
our two kids to Legoland for a surprise end-of-summer trip. The trip was wonderful, I think. Everyone had
a great time, so I hear. Legoland was a blast, apparently.
I didn't see much of Carlsbad,
Calif., nor did I get to enjoy most of Legoland. What I did see was the
inside of, what seemed to be, every public restroom at our hotel and the city
at large. When asked later by friends about the quality of our hotel I could
only respond, "I have no idea, but they have a very clean bathroom just to the
left of the restaurant."
both my children's body clocks seem to be on Only in Public Standard Time,
which is to say neither will ever have to go to the bathroom at home or in a
hotel room. But the minute we get in the car or go somewhere interesting to me,
suddenly they'll have to go. And they'll have an entourage to go with them.
To clarify, when I say "go," I don't mean the
quick pee that requires parental supervision for a minute or two. I mean the
other kind of, "Mommy, I have to go." We're talking No. 2 here, people. We're
talking about an investment of time, which has a kid sitting patiently on the
toilet waiting to finish his or her business while carrying on an entire
conversation with his or her parent, who has probably taken the other child just 10 minutes prior to do the exact same thing.
I'm like Google for toilets. Every mother is.
And like clockwork, my kids only have to
poop when my dinner has just arrived. And no, they don't have to go when I've
ordered a salad. They've got a bodily emergency when there's something on the
table, which will inevitably be cold by the time I return from spending the
duration of dinner in the restroom.
Despite my husband and I regularly
tagging out and alternating which parent will take which of our little Poopers
to the pooper, I inevitably miss more. That's because I'm convinced that my
children have figured out that a public restroom is one of the few places they
have me as a captive audience.
So if you want to know how Legoland was,
ask someone else. If you want to know where are the best bathrooms in Southern
California, I'm like Google for toilets. Every mother is. So while you're having
quality time with your kid in the john, here's what you're missing.
you haven't had time to eat all day, but that won't matter to your kid's
bowels. The minute your piping hot steak arrives at your table your kid will be
doing the potty dance and saying he has to go. By the time the rest of your
family is finishing their dessert, your kid will be done. It's a great
way to stay thin, just not a great way to eat dinner.
2. Family Vacation
You will miss the Louvre, the Empire State
Building and all of Maui. And yes, you just spent a fortune to take your family on vacation, but you won't miss every public restroom within a 10-mile radius. Consider it quality time with your kid!
kids will not have to go to the bathroom before you leave the house to see "Hotel
Transylvania 2." And, they won't have to use the loo before the movie starts
when you say, "Let's all use the bathroom before the movie starts." But as soon
as the lights go down and you've secured seats, one of them will have to go, ensuring you all miss half the movie and lose your really good seats.
4. That Rare Family Photo Opp
No one will notice until after your 87
relatives who have flown in from all over the world have gathered to take that one
moment-in-time family photo that you aren't in it and neither is your little
one. She was too busy saying, "Take me
to the bathroom, please!" to say, "Cheese." Oh well. You didn't want to be in
that photo anyway, did you?
5. The Only-In-18-Years-Eclipse
Despite you and the hubs corralling everyone on
the roof of a friend's house to see that once-in-18-years lunar eclipse, you'll
miss it. You won't miss the inside of
the nearest restroom, but you will miss that moon event that everyone will be
talking about the next day.
6. Your Best Friend's Wedding
When your best friend
asked if your kids would be in her wedding you should have said, "Only if your
wedding takes place in a restroom." Because just as your bestie is saying, "I do," your
big one will be saying, "I gotta go." Now you know why some brides don't allow children
You'll also miss the time the President of the United States' motorcade comes through your town, the time a real unicorn was spotted, and a Major League Baseball record being broken that
day. Hawaii was probably overrated anyway.