You know that super cute mom you follow on Instagram? The one whose pictures all have perfect natural lighting and delightfully coordinating pillows with a scattering of wooden toys strewn about in the background? The one who talks about her mom fails that aren't really fails like the time she posted a snap of her diaper clad baby wearing only a bonnet and bare feet saying, “Today was so crazy we didn’t even get dressed.”
Yeah ... NOT RELATABLE AT ALL.
My mom fails are more a little less picture-perfect and a whole lot more "I've been there, too."
I let my kids eat off the floor
Five-second rule? Hell yes! Sometimes it’s more like the 5-minute rule. If there are Cheerios on the floor from last Tuesday’s breakfast and my 10-month-old wants to be proactive and find her own snack, I’m good with that.
My kids don't get baths every day
Or every other day … or even every three days, for that matter. Truth is, most of the time I forget to give them baths. Unless they end the day with an amount of mud on them that baby wipes cannot remedy or they have fully crapped out of their diaper, baths are mostly optional. I’m not a total monster. They get a good solid bath at least once a week (or multiple times a day, if it’s raining and we’re hard up for activities that allow Mommy to sit down).
I use my TV as a babysitter
I recall being told by my grandma that TV "rots your mind.” Not so! Have you seen the educational shows on 24/7 disguised as crap cartoons? I’m pretty sure "Wallykazam" taught my son to read.
Everyone knows asking a kid if you can donate their crap toy they never play with is a recipe for disaster, so I don't.
I throw away my kids' artwork
I sincerely believe that school's take-home folders are their ways of cutting down on their recycling and making it someone else’s problem—and I'm not having it. So, I maybe pull one impressive assignment to put on the fridge. The rest of it? Adios. Just don't toss it where they can see it.
I hide the good snacks
I’m sorry, if I spend $5 on a pint of gelato, you better bet your bottom it is firmly buried under the tater tots in the back of the freezer and comes out only when all other family members are sound asleep.
I donate my kids' toys without telling them
Everyone knows asking a kid if you can donate their crap toy they never play with is a recipe for disaster, so I don't. Ask, that is. I wait until they’re sleeping or at school and, take a large garbage bag and cram all the broken, cheap, old toys into it. Then I get rid of it. Sometimes they ask about something that I’ve tossed and I just act really confused and use it as a lesson in “why you should keep your room more tidy.” Win-win.
I use my kid to get out of social events
Kids have a lot of sports, school events, naps and bedtimes to contend with. No one can argue when any of these excuses. Kids are your “get out of anything” free card and I play it to the max.
Some moms may gasp at these real-life mom tactics, but I stand unapologetic with my head held high. I’m proud of these life hacks. They may not help me be perfect mom, but they do make me a damn good one.