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A Parents' Guide to Exactly How Mandatory Each School Event Is

Photograph by Twenty20

Hello new parents! Those of you new to our little community have by now received invitations to participate in many school events, including, but not limited to:

  • Chaperoning the field trip to the zoo

  • Providing snacks for the field trip to the zoo

  • Tie-dying t shirts for the field trip to the zoo

  • Ordering books from the book fair in order to raise money for the field trip to the zoo

  • Attending the "thank you for the field trip to to the zoo" party

  • Providing snacks for the "thank you for the field trip to to the zoo" party

...and so on. This year, in conjunction with our many fundraising and support opportunities we are happy to introduce a new system by which you can discern how cool it is if you blow off particular calls to help. Like, is it no big deal if you don't show up, or is it going to be a thing where people talk about you behind your back if you skip out? In the spirit of school, our code coincides with the grading system:

A: You can totally skip this event. In fact, people will think you're lame if you go. Even the principal will be like "What's up with her?" if you go. You know, like attending the "thank you for the field trip to the zoo" party.

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B: Totally not necessary to go but it's kind of fun and cute and it'll be the kind of thing where you can tell yourself "I'm a pretty good parent!" afterwards. Plus, if you go that means you can get away with skipping another thing in the future (like chaperoning the next field trip to the zoo.)

C: Ehh, you probably should take part. Otherwise, the kids would be easily kidnapped in non-matching shirts, crying in hunger because you didn't provide a snack.

This is the kind of thing where at this point, you have to ask yourself why you're sending your kids to our school? Do you even care about them?

D: This is the kind of thing where at this point, you have to ask yourself why you're sending your kids to our school? Do you even care about them? Because you still have time to transfer them to another school where parents aren't very involved. (No judgment!) So are you going to order some books or what?

RELATED: How to Survive a School Fundraising Gala

F: Skip this and our teachers will not bother to step in when (and it will be when) your children are bullied. So for the "thank you for the field trip to to the zoo" party please make sure your snacks are nut-free, gluten-free and yummy and healthful. Thanks!

We hope this clears things up! Again, welcome.

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