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5 Genius Tips for Lazy Parents

Photograph by Facebook

I may be physically and mentally hyperactive, but when it comes to the absurd amount of information-sifting we have to do as parents, I am all about the shortcuts. Why spend hours pouring over summer camp websites, when I can be trolling Amazon Prime for toilet paper holders or watching reruns of "Louie"?

If you're really savvy, you keep your eyes and ears open at all times so when the mom on the Soul Cycle bike in the front row is overheard raving about the camp she's sent her kids to for the past three years, you make sure to jot the name down in your phone after class. Just by the fact that she's in the "front row" means she an over-achieving, Type A mom who has her shit together. Unlike you and me.

There are parenting shortcuts everywhere to free you for the important, self nurturing things in life, like gazing longingly at that sexy Class Pass app, hate-stalking home owners on Instagram or working on the overdue blog post.

Here are a few that are easy to adopt. All you need to do is practice once or twice, and you'll be a pro in no time.

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1. Facebook is your Bible

For the big questions, there's no need for Google. That's what Facebook is for. Post a question and await a response. Within minutes you will be fully loaded with answers, options and various opinions about things. For example, I posted a question about ceramics class for Aria, and she was signed up for a class within the hour. When Aria was having allergies, I simply asked Facebook who a good doctor was and she's been treated by said doctor every since. I do this for all kid-related stuff and it works. But don't be alarmed when you take Facebook hive advice and it backfires. It can be like the Craigslist of info, so you need to hit "Reply" here and there and dig a bit deeper if you have questions.

2. I'll have what she's having

The parenting crack? She's holding it.

This one is easy. You know the moms who are way into doing everything right? The Fancy Mom Helicopter types who force their kids to take piano (I tried and failed, twice, to be her), do sports and things even though their kids may hate it? She's also way on top of all things in a way you could never be. She's done all the research on the best doctors, schools, camps, cake bakers, nannys, etc. Just copy what she does if you want the good stuff. The parenting crack? She's holding it. Befriend her. Warm up to her. Pretend like you are really into it all and she will open like a flower and share her gifts with you. And if you can't afford the best of the best, there is always Super Budget Mom, who's like the 3 star hotel version of Fancy Mom. She knows it all too, but on a budget.

3. Order everything online

Please tell me you don't waste a minute shopping for anything. Agoraphobics and lazy ass parents unite! There is no need to leave the house to buy anything. Ever. All your kids' needs can arrive in a box, and if you spend $100 a year on Amazon Prime, then it'll come for free. Food shopping? Instacart. You don't actually cook dinner do you? Why on earth would you do such a thing when there are a million food delivery apps? Cooking means dishes. And be honest, they don't like your food anyway.

5. Outsource when possible

Every other company knows it makes sense to outsource , so why don't you? For example, someone in India working for Apple will do a better job trouble-shooting your MacBook Pro than you. It's the same with parenting. There are experts who are way better than you at, well, everything. These experts will teach your child to do things you thought came naturally (like nursing and sleeping). All it takes is some good cash flow and you can find someone to take your kids to and from school, do their laundry and homework and cook them gluten- and dairy-free meals.

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5. Whatever your parents did, just do the opposite

Your parents had no clue what they were doing. If they did, you would still have the $100k that was spent on therapy, which could easily be applied to hiring all of the above in Number 4. Or to buying a home. But since they were primitive assholes when it came to parenting, you in turn are clueless in parenting and life in general. And you still live in a shitty apartment.

When in doubt, always blame your parents about every parenting mistake you make. And then, when you have even the tiniest amount of doubt about anything when it comes to raising your kids, think back real hard. Whatever your imbecilic parents did, do the exact opposite. So far, this has worked for me—except when it came to my kids sleeping in my bed. My parents never let us sleep in their bed, so when my kids wanted to crawl into mine every single night to the point that their beds became "props"and my bed became "theirs," I welcomed them in. Huge mistake. At 5 and 9, they are just sleeping alone in their rooms now. We are on week two—wish me luck.

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