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10 Road Trip Survival Tips No Parent Will Admit To

Photograph by Fox Searchlight

The holidays mean food, fun, festivities and excruciatingly long hours traveling with over-exhausted and sugared-up kids in the car. Here are some tips for your travel survival (which obviously none of us have tried ... ).

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1. A lobotomy

Life in the car with kids is so much better when you can't think or be conscious of much.

2. Soak some of that holiday candy in booze

Make sure you bring something for you to snack on, too.

3. Distract your children with fun activities

Our family's favorite car game is "Who Can Stop Crying the Longest So Daddy Doesn't Slip on Ice And Crash the Car And We All Die?" I always lose.

4. Benadryl

A lot of people don't like using Benadryl on children, especially since the warning label says specifically not to give it to kids under 4. But that doesn't stop you from using it.

5. Practice gratitude meditation

Your sister's whining makes your kids seem like amateurs.

As the screams and cries of "My brother is whining in my face," rise, close your eyes and be grateful for all the things you have, like Xanax, hard liquor and a whole host of dysfunctional family waiting for you when you arrive. Your sister's whining makes your kids seem like amateurs. Focus on that with some deep breaths. Feel better?

6. Be creative

Use some of the leftover cardboard from Christmas presents to build a wall between the front seats and the back seats. When you arrive at your destination, take down the wall, and whatever kid is still alive is given the gift of you paying for their college.

7. Use positive reinforcement

Every time you don't scream for everyone to stop touching each other, give yourself some chocolate.

8. Remember that you are building memories with your family

Horrible, awful memories that will prevent your children from asking to go on road trips for a really long time. So, that's a bonus.

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9. Give your kids special road trip gifts

Like crayons, markers, special coloring books, mace, earplugs, Chinese throwing stars and muzzles.

10. Use the trip as an opportunity for learning

Pot is legal in Colorado. You know what you have to do.

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