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9 Times Our Kids Insulted Us

Photograph by Twenty20

"Mommy, why are your boobs so long?" ranks among the questions I never thought would be asked of me. I am a small B when not pregnant; while nursing our first daughter, I swelled up to a porn star-esque full D—and they were perky Ds at that.

Now that I'm at the tail end of nursing baby No. 2, though, things looks a little different, I am told. Lefty is still going strong, but Righy petered out months ago, so my chest is somewhat lopsided. (My daughter has referred to Righty as my "baby booby.")

Anyway, I was in the locker room with my daughter last week and we were both changing out of our bathing suits. I was standing over her, combing her hair. Apparently things were swinging, and that's when she lobbed her comment at me. And I thought, "OMG, I just got body shamed by my preschooler!"

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She didn't mean to insult me, of course. And a key feature of body shaming is intent to harm, so I'm being tongue-in-cheek. But it made me think of my friend S., whose kids have referred to her chest as "gorilla boobies." So I started asking around. Here are some of the other body shaming bon mots to have come out of the mouths of my friends' babes (Full disclosure: One of these was said to me, but I'm too chicken to cop to it):

1. "Mommy, you have a nice mustache."

2. "Why do you have donkey hair on your vagina?"

3. "Your breath smells so good! I love the way pickles smell!"

4. "Mommy, why is your forehead so dirty?"

Note: It was post-pregnancy melisma, not dirt.

5. "Mommy, your vagina smells terrible."

6. (To a dad) "Are you pregnant?"

"No."

(Points to stomach) "Well, what happened then?"

7. (Pointing to mom's vagina) "What's that?"

"It's my vagina."

"Oh, well it looks like a tushy beard."

8. "Can I have polka-dotted legs like yours?"

Note: Mom is a brunette and hadn't shaved that day.

9. "My friend said you are really pretty, but I told him no you're not, you're just a mom."

Mom Johanna Stein (aka "Momhead") even pretend-strapped a camera to her head and captured her kids insulting her throughout her day, including, "Your tummy looks like a bagel," and "Clara and I were playing in your underpants and they fit both of us at the same time."

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The good news is that all of these slights came from kids too young to be malicious. Some of them even come from a place of innocence and love (for example, my friend whose breath smells like gherkins told me that her daughter was snuggling up to her and patting her cheek when she said this.)

One day, our daughter will likely be hurling teen angst-fueled actual insults at me, so for now, I'll take them as a chance to chuckle and will pull her closer, smooshing her face into my long boob, breathing alligator breath on her and telling her I love her, no matter what.

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