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15 Things Moms Really Want for Christmas

Photograph by Twenty20

I used to wonder why it was so hard to buy something for my mom for Christmas. Cards seemed too simple. But she was allergic to Lavender lotion and would often tell us she didn't want anything. I now understand that it wasn't because she didn't want anything, it was just because we couldn't give her what she really wanted, like "A Silent Night" or maybe just one week where we didn't put her underwear on our heads and laugh.

This year, my 4-year-old asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her that she and her brother were a gift enough for me, and as cheesy as it sounds, I meant it. She frowned, "How about a new pursed because yours is yucky?"

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"Fine," I said. "That's good, too."

But I also want some things that my kids and husband are completely incapable of giving me. Hey, I can dream.

1. Just one week where loading up into the car doesn't require weeping and gnashing of teeth

2. Shoes get put on the first time I ask

3. Sleep until 8

4. My thighs back

5. Some really beautiful boots. What? I'm a person, too!

6. For no one to lick those boots or me, ever

7. To be able to use my mom glare to reheat coffee

8. The ability to freeze time like Zack Morris on "Saved By the Bell," except I wouldn't narrate, I'd just take a damn nap

9. I'd like the "please stop picking your nose in dance class or anywhere" pep talk to actually work and not inspire my son to then immediately start picking his nose. That would be the gift that would keep on giving.

10. To never have to watch "Frozen" ever again

11. Some face cream that makes it look like I actually get to sleep. Barring that, I'd like some sleep.

12. Just make it rain coffee gift cards

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13. To be able to sneak-eat candy and cake without ever getting caught

14. A really nice sandwich

15. A swimming pool full of whiskey

Yeah, I know. A card is great, too.

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