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The 8 Worst Parenting Trends of 2015

Photograph by Etsy

My mom often recalls the good old days when it was pretty trendy to medicate a teething baby with whiskey or send your kids to play outside for hours without any supervision. Those trends are long past, replaced by non-alcoholic babies, really expensive infant moccasins and social media feeds for your 2-year-old. And I don't know, I think I'd rather go back to the whiskey.

Here is a list of parenting trends from 2015 that I hope we don't see again, ever.

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1. Mason-jar sippy cups

I don't care how cute they look, just give my kid something that isn't going to get milk on the carpet, thanks.

Imagine the marketing meeting behind this: "Let's give children something that is both breakable and incredibly leaky."

"Good idea team! Those hipster parents will be so thrilled with the twee aspect, they won't know Londynne spilled kombucha on her moccasins!"

I know they make some mason jar sippy cups that are plastic, but they still leak like a homemade cloth diaper. I don't care how cute they look, just give my kid something that isn't going to get milk on the carpet, thanks.

Photograph by: Etsy/onerobinroad

2. Fancy school lunches

Have we learned yet that kids don't care what their lunch looks like as long as there is a cookie in it? I mean, you can go ahead and keep making complicated lunches for your kid, but it's guaranteed that they'll only be happy if you throw in some Little Debbie.

3. Intense first-day of school pictures

Nothing says back-to-school like mom forcing you to wear a really expensive outfit you hate and holding a chalkboard sign with a bunch of details that no one cares about. The first day of school is hard enough on kids without being forced to submit to a professional photoshoot. Also, if your kid is younger than 3 it's not a "first day of school" picture. It's a "first day of glorified daycare" picture.

4. Mindful parenting

In theory, mindful parenting sounds so noble. Let's be in the moment! Always thinking about our children! In the moment! But in reality, 98 percent of parenting is sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for your 3-year-old to poop, catching vomit, or wiping urine out of a car seat. Do we really need to be present for every single moment?

5. Being #blessed

It's OK to say that sometimes parenting sucks and it's hard

It is great to focus on the good things in life. But also, it's OK to say that sometimes parenting sucks and it's hard and we don't have to be so #blessed all the freaking time. It's OK to not be OK. Let's make being honest a thing in 2016.

6. Hyper-vigilant baby monitoring

Modern technology is making it very easy for parents to become creators of the hyper-vigilant police state. But all that monitoring brings false security. Unplug the monitor in 2016.

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7. Foodie babies

Give your infant kale and roasted fennel all you want, but by the time they turn 3, all they are going to want is macaroni and cheese and cookies. I don't even care if you once knew a French baby who used to beg for a fine cheese for dessert, kids want to eat garbage and so do you, by the way. Also, there is no space on the Yale application for "knowledge of haute cuisine." Just relax. Lean into the Kraft and use your free time to read a book.

8. Parents of Instagram

I don't think helping your child create their own social media account is going to do them any favors. Also, I have two kids and I can barely get them to hold still for pictures—and they actually like taking pictures. I cannot imagine what it takes to get a toddler to lean casually against a brick wall while wearing a fedora and an outfit that costs more than my graduate degree. But I will imagine it when your kid's tell-all memoir "#NoFilter: The Memoir of an Instagram Baby" comes out.

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