My mom often recalls the good old days when it was pretty
trendy to medicate a teething baby with whiskey or send your kids to play
outside for hours without any supervision. Those trends are long past, replaced
by non-alcoholic babies, really expensive infant moccasins and social media
feeds for your 2-year-old. And I don't know, I think I'd rather go back to
Here is a list of parenting trends from 2015 that I hope we don't
see again, ever.
I don't care how cute they look, just give my kid something that isn't going to get milk on the carpet, thanks.
Imagine the marketing meeting behind this: "Let's give children something that is both breakable and
"Good idea team! Those hipster parents will be so thrilled with the twee aspect, they won't know Londynne spilled kombucha on her moccasins!"
I know they make some mason jar sippy cups that are plastic, but
they still leak like a homemade cloth diaper. I don't care how cute they look,
just give my kid something that isn't going to get milk on the carpet, thanks.
Have we learned yet that kids don't care what their lunch
looks like as long as there is a cookie in it? I mean, you can go ahead and
keep making complicated lunches for your kid, but it's guaranteed that they'll only be
happy if you throw in some Little Debbie.
Nothing says back-to-school like mom forcing you to wear a
really expensive outfit you hate and holding a chalkboard sign with a bunch of
details that no one cares about. The first day of school is hard enough on kids
without being forced to submit to a professional photoshoot. Also, if your kid is younger than 3 it's not a "first day of school" picture. It's a "first day of glorified daycare" picture.
In theory, mindful parenting sounds so noble. Let's be in
the moment! Always thinking about our children! In the moment! But in reality,
98 percent of parenting is sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for your 3-year-old to poop, catching vomit, or wiping urine out of a car seat. Do
we really need to be present for every single moment?
5. Being #blessed
It's OK to say that sometimes parenting sucks and it's hard
It is great to focus on the good things in life. But also,
it's OK to say that sometimes parenting sucks and it's hard and we don't have
to be so #blessed all the freaking time. It's OK to not be OK. Let's make being honest a thing in 2016.
6. Hyper-vigilant baby
Modern technology is making it very easy for parents to
become creators of the hyper-vigilant police state. But all that monitoring brings
false security. Unplug the monitor in 2016.
Give your infant kale and roasted fennel all you want, but by
the time they turn 3, all they are going to want is macaroni and cheese and
cookies. I don't even care if you once knew a French baby who used to beg for a
fine cheese for dessert, kids want to eat garbage and so do you, by the way.
Also, there is no space on the Yale application for "knowledge of haute cuisine." Just relax. Lean into the Kraft and use your free time to read a book.
8. Parents of Instagram
I don't think helping your child create their own social
media account is going to do them any favors. Also, I have two kids and I can
barely get them to hold still for pictures—and they actually like taking
pictures. I cannot imagine what it takes to get a toddler to lean casually
against a brick wall while wearing a fedora and an outfit that costs more than
my graduate degree. But I will imagine it when your kid's tell-all memoir "#NoFilter:
The Memoir of an Instagram Baby" comes out.