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To My Child's Teacher, Thanks for Saving Me From Summer Break Hell

Photograph by Twenty20

Dear Teacher,

I hope you’ve enjoyed your couple of months off. I know that teachers spend much of their summer thinking and planning for the next school year. I wanted you to know, I have also been dreaming of this next school year. Parenting my own child for two and a half solid months, 24/7, has turned me into a crazed lunatic and part-time wine-aholic, and I could not be more thrilled to pass the baton to your skilled hands come Wednesday.

I am proud to say though that we did read this summer. It was on June 23. I remember this because that was when I took the children to the public library and signed up for their summer reading program. Since then, we've mainly focused on alternative reading options (i.e., "Super Why!" and "Wallykazam!").

I wanted to tell you ahead of time that I’d love to volunteer in the classroom and chaperone on field trips. Unfortunately, I have two other kids at home, so I'll need approximately two months notice to line up child care. I know I am free on November 22 though! My mother-in-law will be watching the girls while I go to the dentist, so you’ve got my undivided attention any time between 10 a.m. and 10:45 a.m. I’ll mark my calendar.

I don’t know how you do it. I love my kid to pieces, but he can be annoying as hell.

Dylan is a sweet boy and he’s excited to be in your class. Actually, while I’m being honest, he doesn’t know you yet and is much more excited to be in the same class as Sam Wilson. They are the best of friends and have known each other since they were infants. They have a tendency to become extremely competitive and obnoxious in most structured settings, and have never been allowed in the same class before. Under no circumstances should they ever be seated near each other.

I might also mention that Dylan has entered an adorable yet infuriating stage of talking in a baby voice and likes to follow directions at his own pace or not at all. Feel free to fix this. If you have time, of course.

I’d like to proactively ask your coffee order, favorite place to shop and preference on red, white or hard alcohol. I know my child will contribute to a likely haggard mental state and feel it's my responsibility to help ease some of your stress. Seriously, I don’t know how you do it. I love my kid to pieces, but he can be annoying as hell. To think that you are trapped in a room with 25 kids just like him for six and a half hours a day, attempting to teach them how to add and read and be respectable human beings utterly amazes me.

Oh, and before I forget, please forgive the 120-count marker pack we bought. I know you specifically requested a 24-pack of Crayola markers, but it was cheaper to buy 96 extra markers than follow the list guidelines. Feel free to keep the extra colors for yourself or chuck them in the garbage! I won’t judge.

Sincerely,

A Grateful Mother

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