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6 Things Overachieving Moms Do That I Can't Be Bothered to Try

Photograph by Twenty20

Overachieving moms ruin it for the rest of us who are just trying to do a good job at keeping our kids happy and breathing. They look with disdain on moms who don't do everything perfectly, or worse, who make macaroni and cheese out of the box.

Thankfully, most of us are adept at mixing powdered cheese and milk with a smile, and we don't give enough of a shit to live up to their expectations.

Here are six other things overachieving moms do that we other moms are not about to start doing.

1. Volunteer to Do Every. Damn. Thing. at School

While us normal moms feel like a rockstar for merely getting our kids the correct uniform or costume, overachieving moms have written and orchestrated a school play in the same amount of time.

They'll also lead any committee. They'll sign up to be the hand-washer checker, the daily high-fiver, the whatever! They create committees, assign committees and do everything on their own time, so you 150 percent look like a lazy douche when you just offer to bring in store-bought doughnuts for teacher appreciation week.

The overachiever buys teachers gifts that are life-altering. Meanwhile, you ... plotted a trip to Las Vegas for yourself.

2. Label Even the Tiniest Objects

The teacher asks you to label everything the kids have, so you try to do that, but your labels get destroyed or the marker wipes off before your kid even gets to school. Just accept it. You are a big fat F in the world of labeling. Your handwriting is not legible. Your attempts are half-assed. In other words, you're a normal mom, yet the "mombies" make you look wretched by labeling their kids' socks (and probably even their eyelids).

3. Buy Teachers Gifts That Are So Powerful, Everyone Oohs and Aahs

The overachiever buys teachers gifts that are life-altering, like a yoga retreat or a spa day. For the overachiever on a budget, it's a photo album or a website dedicated to how amazing the teacher is.

Meanwhile, on the first day of school, you gave the teacher a bottle of wine and a good luck, then plotted a trip to Las Vegas for yourself. Regardless of budget, your teacher gifts (if you remember to get one) are gift cards or power snacks to keep the teacher from completely hating your kid.

4. Fish Every Lost and Found Item Promptly

If the overachieving mom's child loses something at the school (and that's a big fat "IF"), the overachiever rushes to get it right after school or wherever the lost item is found. The rest of us measly humans will get that lost item either never or weeks later, when we finally realize the thing is even lost.

5. Knit and Hand Make Their Kid's EVERYTHING

The Halloween costumes. The clothing. The handmade pencil bag. Personalized handmade hair bows. The overachiever makes everything their kids beg for from scratch. She probably has even offered to make your kid something to help your kid feel important — because you, the average mom, have been a total slacker.

It's not your fault you struggle with glue sticks and scissors, your Pinterest projects look like slasher film tragedies, and your artistic skills rank 0 (on a scale from 1 to 10).

6. Throw a Birthday Like a Professional Party Planner

Your kids celebrate birthdays by pegging each other with water balloons or body-slamming one another and yelling, "Happy Birthday." The overachiever's kid's birthday party resembles a royal wedding or, at the very lowest scale, a mid-budget baby shower. Yup, everything is handmade (you guessed it!) and personalized.

Ladies, the good news is the overachiever is a rare breed, and while she can be spotted in every mothering population, she is dominated by the woman more commonly known as "your average mother." And by "average," I really mean "splendid."

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