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7 Easy Ways to Raise an A-hole

Photograph by Twenty20

Let me just start off with a little disclaimer: I am not a parenting expert, doctor, psychologist, sociologist or any type of therapist. But I am a teacher. I have not conducted a study or had focus groups to help me reach these conclusions. But I have had 10 years of experience working with kids and their parents.

It is with this lens that I have created my best advice on how to raise an a-hole (It's not as hard as you'd think). Here are seven easy ways.

1. Never say no.

It's best to refrain from using the word "no" when your children are young and impressionable. First of all, it comes with a high possibility of insinuating that you, as the parent, are in charge. Secondly, children who repeatedly hear the word "no" are susceptible to respecting the limits set by adults in the future. Using this word also runs the risk of your children thinking they're not the center of the universe.

2. Buy them everything they want.

In a world where consumerism is king, kids are very aware of what's cool and new. It's important, whenever possible, to purchase the newest and best toys and electronics for your children. This will not only ensure they feel like they deserve new things constantly, but it also erases nearly any chance at contentment. It's hard to find one single action that will lead to entitlement and complete disregard for money. This important parenting action accomplishes both.

You don't want your children to grow up taking responsibility for their own actions, do you?

3. Make everything a competition.

Making it clear that every part of life, from sports to academics, is a competition is the only way to make sure your child will become a terrible sport, and make everyone's life around them hellish and painful. While some parents focus on doing one's best and having fun while learning, they are sure to breed kids who enjoy life even if they aren't the best at something. A competitive attitude in every aspect of life is your best chance at instilling a feeling of inadequacy and failure.

4. Don't say you're sorry.

It should go without saying that children who hear their parents apologize run the risk of repeating this behavior in their own lives. It seems obvious that when grown adults own their mistakes and say they are sorry, their youngsters are likely to think it's appropriate to follow suit in their own lives. It's advisable to always deny any wrongdoing when children are watching.

5. Give them lots of screen time.

How else can you encourage them to become lazy couch potatoes who struggle to know proper social etiquette? Some parents have family game nights or outings, but these activities could substantially decrease the chances of your child becoming a socially inept hermit.

6. Never let them fail.

When children fail or do something wrong it is vital that this mistake is quickly swept under the rug and ignored. If the situation absolutely must be addressed, make every effort to place blame on someone else and assure your children it's not their fault. You don't want your children to grow up taking responsibility for their own actions, do you?

7. Tell them just what you think.

Think their teacher gives too much homework or their coach made a bad call? It's always best to call that person of authority in the lives a "fucking idiot" when your children are in earshot. That way, your kids will share your opinion and maybe, just maybe, repeat that opinion to the person in question.

To personalize your own customized a-hole, feel free to mix and match any of the above for varying outcomes.