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I like to think that my wife and I co-parent our four-year-old
son. I'm a modern kind of guy and I feel
that I have really tried to take fatherhood a step up from the "Mad Men"
generation of my father. I was
wrong. I was terribly wrong.
And I recently found out that I have no idea what
A week ago, my wife had to travel to Dallas for work for
approximately 36 hours. I would be the sole
adult in our two-bedroom apartment. The
life and well-being of our son would be completely in my hands.
This is serious. This
is the actual list she gave me. Read it
carefully. This is how my wife
I won't go through this list point by point. Let me just say, COME ON, REALLY?
She wanted me to scrub the shower and the toilet?
If I'm going to be totally honest with you, which I totally
shouldn't be,I need to tell you that I spent my entire 20's living by myself,
and I don't think I scrubbed the shower or toilet a single time. So I think I could go 36 hours without doing
The problem is, my wife left quite a few things off the
list. Since I am easily inept at being a
father, I ran into quite a few dilemmas. The entire 36 hours of single parenting just kept going downhill.
The following are notes to my wife, Lara, about all the things she
missed telling me to do that I kindly posted on Facebook for her to enjoy.
Lara left for the airport on Monday
afternoon at 10:00 a.m.
She arrived back in New York at 10:00 p.m. on Tuesday evening.
And here is how I survived.
Monday, 10:30 A.M.
You left this coffee mug in the sink. This wasn't on your list, so for the life of me, I have no freaking idea how to handle this. Please advise.
Monday, 10:35 A.M.
After pondering this for four minutes, I decided to take it
upon myself to put the coffee mug in the dishwasher. You did tell me to run the dishwasher on your
list. However, there are very few dishes
in said dishwasher. I'm not sure what I
should do. I hope I have not
disappointed you. Waiting impatiently
for your trip to end. Only 35 hours and
55 minutes remaining.
Monday, 11:33 A.M.
More problems. There was nothing on the
list about how to handle the laundry situation, so I just took half of it out and dumped it on the floor. Then grew tired. I hope I correctly handled the
I gave up on the bath idea. Things are getting difficult. Lucas
is eating pizza in front of the TV without broccoli. I know you insisted I make him broccoli, but
the smell makes me nauseous. And I hate
it. Broccoli is just the absolute worst
thing in the world and I think it's about time our child learned that. Seriously, would you rather live till 95
eating broccoli, or live till 80 not eating broccoli. I think we both know that answer.
Monday, 6:59 P.M.
I forgot. Was I supposed to put Lucas
in the bath or the toaster before bed? Or should I just put Lucas and the
toaster in the bath????? Again, you left
this off the list. #childcareishard
Monday, 7:15 P.M.
Lucas is in the bath and I came into the living room to do
some cleaning. I have some terrible
news. Monko and Pluto (Lucas's favorite
stuffed animals) have gotten into the liquor cabinet. They are having a drinking contest and then
will be participating in a knife fight. Sh*t has gotten real. I will keep
Lucas in the bath until the fight is over. I hope you're having fun on your business trip.
Monday, 7:55 P.M.
I'm getting ready to put Lucas to bed. All hell has broken loose. Monko won the knife fight and Pluto is a
terrible bleeder. I'm figuring out a way
to explain to Lucas why Pluto will not be sleeping in his bed tonight.
Also, I can't find pajamas for Lucas. I'm dressing him for school tomorrow now so I
don't have to do it in the morning.
Biggest problem, as you can see from the picture, is that
Lucas and I are trying to vacuum. Neither of can remember if the power cord or a metal fork goes in the
light socket. I wish you'd answer your
cell phone to explain. Let's hope we
Tuesday, 12:05 A.M.
I woke up just past midnight and found Lucas and Bailey
fighting over a toy. I decided to go
back to bed. I'm exhausted. I think they're both mature enough to handle
Tuesday, 7:05 A.M.
The outfit Lucas wore to bed got ruined in the epic
Bailey/Lucas toy fight from late last night. You didn't leave any instructions on where I can find the rest of his
clothes. So I dressed him in my
clothes. I hope that is okay. Can you get on an earlier flight? Please, for the love of God, come home.
Tuesday, 12:45 P.M.
Since bathtime went so poorly last night, I
was thinking I should just throw Lucas and Bailey in the Hudson River and give
them a bar of soap? We are lost without you.
Bad news. We ran out of money. I took
Lucas to a fountain to scrounge for loose change. Nothing so far. Please
We decided that since we are now safe
and sound at home, we are not going to get off the couch until you walk through
the door. Please never leave us alone
again. I forgot to follow your list. I know nothing of parenting. You are the boss and I cannot be
trusted. I need a nap.