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What to Say When Your Kids Find NSFW Content on Your Phone

Photograph by Twenty20

If you're single, dating, married or simply getting any action at all in 2016, then you're guilty of at least one of the below living somewhere on your cell phone:

1. A semi-nude selfie: One to three well-lit, staged scenarios that you may or may not have (yet) shared with a stranger. This can be anything from a lingerie or bikini shot right on down to advanced dating work: in the buff.

2. Sexting: A provocative text exchange, complete with emojis (you know the ones).

3. If you use Voxer, then a lascivious back and forth involving dirty words, fantastical propositions or "positions."

RELATED: 'Mommy, Are You Going to End Up Alone?'

Dating, flirting or keeping the magic alive in any relationship in modern times means fully embracing the unavoidable digital component of it all. Our phones have become the mouthpieces for communication when it comes to flirting and seduction. We even use it for foreplay. Who knew that an icon of an eggplant and some water droplets would soon mean "let's get busy later"?

When I divorced a year and a half ago I jumped into the modern dating game with gusto. Things had changed dramatically since my pre-married Blackberry days. I had to learn the language of the natives if I wanted to communicate with them. And like all ambitious newcomers, I wanted to be fluent. Requests that at first seemed insane—not to mention insulting, degrading and sexist, like "text me a photo in your underwear"—soon lost their power. I learned, much to my horror, that this was the norm.

I also learned that the smartphone as an active participant in a couple's love life is not unique to the dating scene. In fact, more than ever, couples in all stages are keeping things hot by sending provocative messages and photos to their partners.

But what happens when your kids get a hold of your phone and see Mommy or Daddy in compromising positions?

Here are some quick and easy comebacks that should keep you covered for a while.

And by all means, if you're a parent and watching porn of any kind on your phone, then I can't help you. In fact, no one can.

When they see photos of you in bra and undies or worse

YOU SAY:

"Oh that's for a new online underwear shopping site. You send your photo in and they figure out the best size fit for you!"

or

"Mommy was thinking of becoming a model for a drawing class. I love the arts!"

When they find a photo of a naked man on your phone

YOU SAY:

"I'm helping my friend, a sculptor, find a model to use! This guy is one of the candidates."

When your horny lover or husband leaves a voice message or Voxer like: "I want to throw you against a wall and attack you."

YOU SAY:

"Oh we love to wrestle, just like you!"

When your horny lover or husband leaves a voice message or Voxer like: "I want to devour every inch of you."

You say "of my cooking! My cooking. The rest of the message was cut off."

When they see texts of eggplants and water droplets

YOU SAY:

"Oh, we are making eggplant parm tonight. Don't forget to drain all the water out of the eggplants first!"

RELATED: How I Stopped Comparing My Kids to Others

When they see texts like: "Can't wait to wine, dine and 69."

"We went to dinner the other night and the meal cost $69. We can't wait to do it again!"

Or hashtags like: #sitonmyfaceandfeelthebass

"That's the new car stereo we got. When you turn it up real loud the vibration of the music makes your face feel like someone is sitting on it!"

Or: "Send me a picture of your vagina."

YOU SAY:

"My gynecologist developed a new app that saves me a trip the office so I have more time to spend with you!"

And whatever you do, don't ever let your kid ask Siri to see videos of the Big Bang.

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