When my kids were little, I had a routine of having a drip coffee at around
5 or 6 p.m. I used to call it my "Make It Through Bedtime" coffee, because
without it I would have passed out during the first few words of "Goodnight
Moon." Later it amped up to a cappuccino and became known as my "Get Through the Night" coffee and was essential for making sure I didn't fall asleep at the
dinner table or before I had time to help conjugate verbs.
Now that my kids are grown, it's a double macchiato and I just called it
my "I Can Drink Coffee Any Damn Time I Want To," for obvious reasons. It got me
thinking that it would help parents out if Starbucks drinks had more realistic
names. For example:
'Newborn' / Double Latte
Since you've only had 15 minutes of
sleep in the past two days, you'll require lots of help staying up, but still
need the calcium. This will always be in a to-go cup, because you won't be
relaxing in a coffee shop anytime in the near future.
Your baby is kind of sleeping through the
night, and your life is starting to calm down. Take your time, sip your
coffee and harken back to the days when you actually finished a cup of coffee
before you forgot where you put it.
When your kid is just sitting in their
stroller, you can afford to skip the caffeine and pretend you're a hippie
relaxing in your ashram.
'Chase That Toddler' / Triple Espresso
Learn to drink it black, because you won't have time for luxuries like sugar or stirring.
You need to start moving quickly, and your
coffee drink needs to be strong and able to be inhaled in a single gulp. Learn
to drink it black, because you won't have time for luxuries like sugar or
'School Morning Hustle' / Red Eye (Drip Coffee With Espresso Shot)
Your kid has started school, and you'll
need a little push to get everyone up, dressed and in the car. A regular
coffee won't suffice, so add a shot to get some extra energy without getting so
jittery you're coming at everyone in the school drop off line with a tire iron.
'Dropoff and Chill' / Venti Drip
You drop off the kid, and then stand around
for hours talking to the other parents about how you can't live without your
coffee. Make sure you have this in a huge travel mug with a sports logo on it.
'Science Project Due Tomorrow' / Double Espresso Macchiato & Java Chip
Since you'll be up until 4am gluing graphs
onto a board and faking statistics, a ton of caffeine will serve you well (the
caramel is to trick you into thinking you're having a good time.) The
Frappuccino is for your kid, because it's only fair that she stays up and help
with her own science project, too.
'Kids? What Kids?' / Venti Drip With Refills + Doughnut
Since your kids are in school for an entire day, sit back, relax and drink your coffee and chew your doughnut like you just
don't care. Hog an entire table for several hours and post lots of photos of
your cup on Instagram.
'College Application' / Coffee Traveler (96 oz. of brewed coffee)
This is equivalent to twelve cups of coffee
and should last you through a night of filling out college applications,
financial aid forms, scheduling tours and revising admission essays with your
teen. If you need an extra jolt to wake you up, just take a peek at tuition
'Enabler' / Starbucks Card
This isn't really a drink. But now that
you've gotten your kids as addicted to coffee as you are, you have to let them
use your Starbucks Card to buy however much caffeine they need to get them
through the day. Soon, when they get a job, they'll be buying you your Double
Espresso Con Panna and you can name it the 'I Brought You Into This World Now Bring Me My Coffee.'