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10 Realistic Starbucks Drinks for Parents

When my kids were little, I had a routine of having a drip coffee at around 5 or 6 p.m. I used to call it my "Make It Through Bedtime" coffee, because without it I would have passed out during the first few words of "Goodnight Moon." Later it amped up to a cappuccino and became known as my "Get Through the Night" coffee and was essential for making sure I didn't fall asleep at the dinner table or before I had time to help conjugate verbs.

Now that my kids are grown, it's a double macchiato and I just called it my "I Can Drink Coffee Any Damn Time I Want To," for obvious reasons. It got me thinking that it would help parents out if Starbucks drinks had more realistic names. For example:

1. The 'Newborn' / Double Latte

Since you've only had 15 minutes of sleep in the past two days, you'll require lots of help staying up, but still need the calcium. This will always be in a to-go cup, because you won't be relaxing in a coffee shop anytime in the near future.

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2. The 'Halfway Normal' / Grande Drip

Your baby is kind of sleeping through the night, and your life is starting to calm down. Take your time, sip your coffee and harken back to the days when you actually finished a cup of coffee before you forgot where you put it.

3. The 'My Kid Isn't Walking Yet' / Decaf Chai Latte

When your kid is just sitting in their stroller, you can afford to skip the caffeine and pretend you're a hippie relaxing in your ashram.

4. The 'Chase That Toddler' / Triple Espresso

Learn to drink it black, because you won't have time for luxuries like sugar or stirring.

You need to start moving quickly, and your coffee drink needs to be strong and able to be inhaled in a single gulp. Learn to drink it black, because you won't have time for luxuries like sugar or stirring.

5. The 'School Morning Hustle' / Red Eye (Drip Coffee With Espresso Shot)

Your kid has started school, and you'll need a little push to get everyone up, dressed and in the car. A regular coffee won't suffice, so add a shot to get some extra energy without getting so jittery you're coming at everyone in the school drop off line with a tire iron.

6. The 'Dropoff and Chill' / Venti Drip

You drop off the kid, and then stand around for hours talking to the other parents about how you can't live without your coffee. Make sure you have this in a huge travel mug with a sports logo on it.

6. The 'Science Project Due Tomorrow' / Double Espresso Macchiato & Java Chip Frappuccino

Since you'll be up until 4am gluing graphs onto a board and faking statistics, a ton of caffeine will serve you well (the caramel is to trick you into thinking you're having a good time.) The Frappuccino is for your kid, because it's only fair that she stays up and help with her own science project, too.

7. The 'Kids? What Kids?' / Venti Drip With Refills + Doughnut

Since your kids are in school for an entire day, sit back, relax and drink your coffee and chew your doughnut like you just don't care. Hog an entire table for several hours and post lots of photos of your cup on Instagram.

8. The 'Teenager' / Wine

Many Starbucks now serve wine. Now you know why.

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9. The 'College Application' / Coffee Traveler (96 oz. of brewed coffee)

This is equivalent to twelve cups of coffee and should last you through a night of filling out college applications, financial aid forms, scheduling tours and revising admission essays with your teen. If you need an extra jolt to wake you up, just take a peek at tuition costs.

10. The 'Enabler' / Starbucks Card

This isn't really a drink. But now that you've gotten your kids as addicted to coffee as you are, you have to let them use your Starbucks Card to buy however much caffeine they need to get them through the day. Soon, when they get a job, they'll be buying you your Double Espresso Con Panna and you can name it the 'I Brought You Into This World Now Bring Me My Coffee.'

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