A pair of giant underwear. Or as
they are called in certain circles "granny panties."
And they were funny. Because they were like nothing we had ever seen before. They were freakin' massive. "Wow! I must
have bought the wrong size! These really are hilarious!" I said.
countless years of thongs, butt floss and underwear that was so uncomfortable
that on 360 days of the year I chose not to wear any, I decided it was time to try something different.
hopped on Amazon to go shopping. Instead of "lacy, sexy, thong," I looked up "full cotton underwear" which brought me to
something called "Comfortsoft Cotton Stretch Bikini." Technically it's not
even a classic "brief" panty that defines the belly button-covering "granny."
Nevertheless, for me, this thing was a revelation.
Photograph by: Instagram/belle8eight
hilarity ensued because the underwear I ordered, er, "panty" as they are called
in the world of "feminine garmentry," was size XL. According to the damn size
chart, I am an XL.
Until now, my kids didn't know this type of underwear existed for moms.
(Please know that I am in deep love with
my XL, J-Lo/Kim Kardashian wanna-be ass. If it ever deflated I would have to
get it professionally inflated again. Flat
asses depress me.)
now, my kids didn't know this type of underwear existed for moms. All they've
ever known is the occasional sighting of a skimpy lace thong in a laundry
basket. This massive thing was an entirely foreign object to all of us.
thought for sure this XL was a huge mistake and I better not try them on so
that I could keep them in return-ready shape. But I was so … curious. I had to
see how this full bikini felt, even if it was too big.
a funny thing happened on the way to trying on the too big, XL, massive
underwear. It felt amazing. My ass … was covered. My giant bubble butt had a
sweet, warm, cottony home. Oh, and it fit just right.
Turns out much of my
shock about the size of the garment was just getting used to it visually.
Photograph by: Instagram/annadavoll
I wore it to work. No more wedgie picking or ducking into an alley to pull a
piece of ass floss from out between my cheeks. It also looks incredibly, dare
I say …chic? Yes, chic. This full underwear is the equivalent of crisp white
oxford under grey cashmere V-neck. It's classic.
I look back on my drawer of gorgeous, sexy, skimpy lace thongs and all I can think is, "I was never wearing any of it for myself."
modeled it for my boyfriend, Manboy X, a dude whose Amazon lingerie picks will never,
ever make it to the cart, and even he thought the look was "kinda rad." But frankly, I don't give a shit what he thinks. I'm wearing underwear for me. My days of suffering for men are over.
can't believe it's taken me all the years to take back underwear! I look back on my drawer of gorgeous, sexy,
skimpy lace thongs and all I can think is, "I was never wearing any of it for
myself." There is not a second that I was comfortable in any of them. Why would
I do that myself?
took me this long to figure out that even when alone, I was wearing underwear
for someone else, for some imaginary male gaze. Now that I'm a mom with more important things to do than to waste time being uncomfortable for someone else's visual pleasure, imaginary or real, I ask you, what's
stopping you from embracing granny panties? Embracing the granny panties is a political move! It's embracing comfort and embracing yourself. Stop giving up your own sense of comfort for something outside of yourself.