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5 Ways I'd Like to Control My Kid

Mothers are inextricably and undeniably connected to their children in ways that are unseen. Like all moms, I've felt the connection at odds times, such as when the kid is in school misbehaving and saying things that are "too smart" to overworked teachers or caregivers. Or when he's sick and in desperate need of care.

I recently read a study, first published in 2012, that confirmed what moms have known since the beginning of time: Our children live in our brains forever. We can't get them out of our heads, no matter how hard we try.

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For as long as we live (and even once we're dead, apparently), our children are literally on our minds. How many mothers have you heard say, "I couldn't go to sleep until I knew my child was safe at home!" or, "I had a feeling that something wasn't right all day, and now this!"

Maybe it has to do with the findings that during pregnancy, cells from the fetus become part of the mother's tissues and can be found in body parts like her breast, thyroid and even brain.

The discovery got me thinking. If my son's "cells" exist in my brain, maybe I can simply will him to behave (this part is not scientifically proven, but I'm really hoping this will happen). And if I can will him to behave, this is what it would look like:

1. I'd want him to be happy, clean and obedient

When you open your eyes in the morning, think about your children. See them respond to your wishes like little children who desire to make you happy all the time. If your children wake you up, and you don't have time to do this visualization, run into the bathroom or closet for 60 seconds and envision the day starting over as you desire. Repeat until you get what you want. This day is yours, dammit.

2. I'd will the picky eating to go away

For mothers who have picky eaters, eat your green veggies. While chewing, close your eyes and visualize your children eating the veggies. Turn that mac and cheese into carrot sticks. See them growing strong and healthy with each bite.

3. I'd be able to control sibling battles

If you're a mom of several children, you hopefully have a sufficient amount of their cells in your brain to control sibling battles. If your kids are fighting, ask yourself, "What would Gandhi do?" Play act what you wish would happen between your children. Really tap into those brain cells and watch as world peace unfolds in your home. Or at least in your mind. Keep doing this until the sounds of fighting have subdued.

4. Team up with another mom for perfect play dates

Take a deep breath and feel your children's cells in your brains. Take a deeper breath and feel their bodies in your bodies. Then let the fun begin. Run, play, laugh with perfection, just the way you both would like your children to do. When you're filled with fun, be sure to envision your children leaving the play date in full cooperation and compliance without tantrum and tears.

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5. I'd train him to sleep better

Put on your most comfortable pajamas, and get your spouse to play along with you as he will need to put you to bed. Go full-out with story time and nighttime cuddles. Feel yourself getting sleepy, allow yourself to drift into your most childlike state and resist any urge to get up. Stay in bed the way you'd like for your child to stay in bed. Don't move, don't speak and don't do anything other than what you would ask of your child. "It's for the good of our kid," you tell your husband as you drift off to sleep.

OK I'm willing to admit that these practices may all be for naught, but there must be some benefit to having the cells of our children in our bodies. "If there's a will, there's a way," right?

Photograph by: Twenty20

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