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8 Signs You're Uncool, Thanks to Motherhood

I am so happy to finally not be the coolest the one in the room.

If you're like me, then you've come close to tossing your iPhone into a vat of mac and cheese many times. Usually this urge takes over after scrolling the agitating Instagram feeds of hipster parents in all their infinite "coolness." The strive for relevance is enough to make you yearn for the beeper-carrying cave-woman era of yesteryear.

All those perfectly contrived meals, outfits and #onfleek family moments make me want to puke into my matcha latte. And hey, anyone know how they keep those ice-cream cones from melting?

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My takeaway from these annoying 'grammers, besides the pungent, "I smell bullshit factor," is that these people are all miserable. First of all, I'm sure they're all hungry. (There is no way they can juggle EVERYTHING, be perpetually cool, and not be freaking ravenous.) Secondly, if they need to orchestrate a photo of #onpoint coolness for strangers about their private parenting life, I question if there's any energy left to work on being a better person when no one is looking.

The truth is, if they could just relax for a minute and surrender to the realities of parenting and adulthood, they would see just how "uncool" they really are. Real parenting—not instaparenting—is cool precisely because it's the symbol of everything your 20s is not. It means not having to pose and not having to pretend to be someone else. It's a total relief.

Here are 8 ways I am uncool by choice (thank you, motherhood!):

1. I'm a Beleiber

Ten years ago I was DJ'ing at the Playboy Mansion, The Standard Hotel and the Chateau Marmont. I was always deep into the cutting edge of new music. As a DJ, I collected the coolest soul, hip hop, disco and deep house music on the market. Now I literally jam to my daughter's Spotify playlist.

Being edgy now means not reading a school email.

2. I dress like a tourist

Picture oversized T-shirts, sweatpants and a fanny pack if it would help me get the kids out of the house faster. Dressing is a sport with one goal: to get the kids to school on time. Whatever I need to do to make this happen is the fashion choice of the day.

3. My palette has acclimated to the faux-fast-food flavors of Chipotle and Wood Ranch Grill.

I enjoy the fine flavors and textures of anything with a crust, ketchup, ranch dressing or melted cheese. Before kids, I was a hardcore raw foodie. Now I get sad when I'm out of frozen foods. Meatballs from Ikea are a delicacy.

4. Snap-WHAT?

What's that rainbow tongue and face swapping thing? Huh? I'm still on Facebook, with all the 80-year-olds, like my mom.

5. 9 p.m. is the new after-hours

My after-hour party happens in my dreams. Twenty years ago I was an after-hours nightclub promoter. The only thing I promote now is sleep. Please don't wake me up to change a wet sheet.

6. The only Molly I know is my daughter's best friend

I even retired grown up chill pills like Ativan and red wine because they put me to sleep. My hardest drug is dosing on my kid's cough syrup. I show my kids just how tasty their medicine is by sampling a sip. Or two. Or three.

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7. I used get a kick out of defying authority

Being edgy now means not reading a school email. If I'm feeling really rebellious I'll sign my kid's reading log without really knowing if all the minutes added up are "for real."

8. Rocking group games like Scrabble and Celebrity have given way to Hedbanz and hangman.

Being #offfleek rules.

Photograph by: Twenty20

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