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13 Ways to Give Your Kids the Most Freakin' Magical Summer Ever

Photograph by Twenty20

As we all know childhood is a beautiful time, and if you do anything to destroy that innocence and beauty you are probably the worst mother in the history of mothers. So, as you plan your summer for your perfect, innocent booger eaters, think beyond just the basic Pinterest ideas of twee little picnics or camping in the backyard.

I mean, you want your child's childhood magic to be authentic, right? RIGHT? That's what I thought.

Here are 10 ways to help your child have the most goddamn magical summer of all.

1. Buy a boxcar from an old train, move into it and then orphan your children. With any luck they'll be solving crime in a mere two weeks.

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2. Pick a parent and have that parent die a tragic death. You could draw straws or play rock, paper, scissors for this honor. The surviving parent must marry the vilest person imaginable, then conspire to leave your children in the woods.

3. Orphan them, but come back as a magic tree and only grant their wishes when they need fancy dresses for a ball.

4. Give them a knapsack and tell them to go find their fortunes. Don't let them back in until they've spoken to at least three talking animals.

5. Get yourself killed by an evil wizard and then have your mean relatives raise your kids in a room under the stairs.

6. Buy them a little dog then throw them into the nearest tornado.

7. Buy a wardrobe, lock your kids in there, and if my theory holds, they'll learn things from a mystical and wise lion.

8. Bake some goodies, buy a red cloak and send them off alone to grandma's house.

9. Lock them in a tower and never cut their hair.

10. Make them make out with some frogs.

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11. Drop them off near the ocean and have them start shouting at flounders.

12. Get insanely jealous of your child's beauty and hire a huntsman to off them.

13. Definitely orphan them though.

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