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As we all know childhood is a beautiful time, and if you do
anything to destroy that innocence and beauty you are probably the worst mother
in the history of mothers. So, as you plan your summer for your perfect,
innocent booger eaters, think beyond just the basic Pinterest ideas of twee
little picnics or camping in the backyard.
I mean, you want your child's
childhood magic to be authentic, right? RIGHT? That's what I thought.
Here are 10 ways to help your child have the most goddamn magical summer of all.
1. Buy a boxcar from an old train, move into it and then
orphan your children. With any luck they'll be solving crime in a mere two
2. Pick a parent and have that parent die a tragic death.
You could draw straws or play rock, paper, scissors for this honor. The
surviving parent must marry the vilest person imaginable, then conspire to
leave your children in the woods.
3. Orphan them, but come back as a magic tree and only grant
their wishes when they need fancy dresses for a ball.
4. Give them a
knapsack and tell them to go find their fortunes. Don't let them back in until
they've spoken to at least three talking animals.
5. Get yourself killed by an evil wizard and then have your
mean relatives raise your kids in a room under the stairs.
6. Buy them a little dog then throw them into the nearest
7. Buy a wardrobe,
lock your kids in there, and if my theory holds, they'll learn things from a mystical
and wise lion.
8. Bake some goodies,
buy a red cloak and send them off alone to grandma's house.