Mother's Day is coming up ladies, and you know what that means! Sleeping late, gourmet breakfast in bed, and a few hours at the spa with your besties, after which you come home to a spotless house with happy children who shower you with roses and kisses.
I'm sorry, did I just hurt your sides from making you laugh? We all know that most of this Mother's Day fantasy never materializes, and if it does, you're definitely a character in a movie.
I don't know why I buy into the Hallmark hype in the first place, but since I do, Mother's Day can be a letdown. I mean, let's face it, if this holiday was really about celebrating me, Mom, I would literally spend 14 hours in bed and nobody would be allowed to touch me. Instead, to avoid cooking, I drag everyone to an overpriced brunch in a crowded restaurant and somebody usually cries. (That somebody might be me.)
Mother's Day can be such a clash of expectations and reality that it reminds me of another over-hyped holiday: New Year's Eve. Sure, the vibes are different, but many of the pitfalls are the same:
1. Your expectations are too high and you are always disappointed – Back when I was single, I wanted New Year’s Eve to be the BEST NIGHT EVER. In reality, I’d pay $100 to attend a lame party, drink too much, get frostbite trying to find a cab in my stupidly high stilettos (this was way before Uber) and flirt with someone terrible just to secure a midnight clinch. It’s been a while since I partied hardy on New Year’s Eve, so now I put all my misguided hopes onto Mother’s Day. Like, maybe this will be the year nobody has a tantrum! Ha ha ha ha ha. Not.
2. It's hard to get a reservation – Any time the whole world has the same plans on the same day, it’s a shit show. Just like with New Year’s Eve, you’ve got to book your Mother’s Day reservations way in advance, which is too risky a job to leave to your significant other. So enjoy planning your own special day, mamas.
Because you're supposed to spend Mother's Day with your family even though...
3. Everything is so expensive - The same meal you could have ordered yesterday costs three times as much on Mother's Day just because it's a holiday and they've got us by the ovaries. Plus, the menu is probably limited, the overtaxed waiters are surly and your food is going to take forever. Which is great when your hungry kids are melting down and everybody looks at you like, "Hello, get back to work!"
4. You can't get a babysitter - On New Year's Eve, you literally can't get a babysitter because the younger ones are out having (more) fun (than you) and the older ones were booked six months ago by moms way more organized. However, on Mother's Day, you technically could find a babysitter, but it's frowned upon. Because you're supposed to spend Mother's Day with your family even though… let’s just leave it at "even though..."
5. You don't know what the hell to wear – There was a time when New Year’s Eve meant my closet floor was littered with sparkly black dresses as I searched for the ultimate outfit. My Mother’s Day attire may not feature sequins, but it’s just as challenging to select. I want to look good, but I need to cover my muffin top, offer easy access to my boobs for nursing and choose fabrics that don’t require dry cleaning so my 5-year-old can wipe her hands and nose on me. This is why I never have anything to wear.
6. You spend the whole time trying to get a classic photo to post to social media – Even if your Mother’s Day sucks, you’ve got to commemorate the moment, so stop trying to kill each other, children, and pose for this amazing photo that shows everyone how happy we are!
7. You stay out too late – As in, at least an hour past the littlest one’s nap time. Meltdown city.
8. You get a hangover – Bottomless mimosas are no joke, people. Neither is the chocolate lava cake you order to appease your kids and end up storing in your muffin top.
9. You tell yourself that next year, you'll just stay home - But of course you don't. Because it's Mother's Day! Have a great one.
Photograph by: Amy Wruble