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12 Things My Kids Blame Me For

Photograph by Twenty20

My children think I am responsible for everything—like the boogers in their nose, the trash in their hands or the orientation of the universe. It is both flattering to have someone believe so much in your power and really infuriating. (I'm sorry that that bug flew into your sand castle but it really isn't my fault. I'm not the Lord God of bugs! And even if I were, I would benevolently create bugs with free will so they wouldn't have to obey me if they didn't want to. So, there.)

Here is a list of all the things my 2-year-old and 5-year-old have blamed me for in no particular order.

1. Two weeks ago, my 2-year-old son threw a ball that bounced back and hit his face. He screamed and shouted, "Dat no berry nice, mom! Why you do dat?"

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2. When my daughter was 2, she shut herself in a church bathroom and couldn't open the door. When I rescued her she sobbed, "Why did you lock me in the bathroom?" Then she spent the next five months telling everyone, "One time, my mommy lockeded me in da bathroom. It was not nice."

3. Gravity

4. Once my daughter woke up declaring, "This will be my special day!" When she looked outside and saw it was raining, she ran back to her bed sobbing, "Mommy, why did you do this to me?"

5. Paper cuts

6. The fact that helium-filled balloons float away

7. Thermodynamics

8. Tangled hair

9. The fact that the grocery carts that look like racecars don't come in purple or orange

10. When the Internet goes out

11. Whenever we are out of milk, which OK, fine. I'll take partial blame since I am the only one with a car and enough money to actually buy milk. But I don't want to go to the store if I'm going to get blamed for a lack of color options among the grocery carts.

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12. Two days after catching my daughter's hot vomit in my hand, I too came down with the stomach flu. My daughter came into my room and asked me if I was sick. "Yes," I told her.

"You should have washed your hands better," she said and then left.

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