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Things Moms With Big Families Wish You'd Stop Saying

Photograph by Twenty20

The average size of the American household has certainly dwindled a bit over the last half century , so families who are able to populate a basketball team with their own offspring are no longer the norm. However, that definitely doesn't mean that having more than a couple kids never happens—but it's apparently rare enough that people can't stop saying stupid crap about it.

I have four kids, and I started hearing completely rude and ignorant comments when I was pregnant with my THIRD baby. One guy actually quoted a Primus song to me ("Too Many Puppies"). It makes me rage just thinking about it.

Here are a few more crowd favorites, along with what I wish could say back, but never do because my kids are standing there.

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"You have how many kids?"

Well, as they're all standing around watching you gawk at them, why not count them yourself? Or better yet, maybe I'll just say "53!" and leave it at that.

"Are they all yours?"

Let's see. I'm not totally sure. Hannah, are you my kid? Yep? Ok. What about you, Evan? Oh, I think I might have accidentally picked up a few in the parking lot on my way in here. Sorry about that, guys.

"You do know how that happens, right?"

No! I've been dying to find out so I can put a stop to it. Please tell me! I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE!

Thanks for your statement of utter garbage.

"You must have your hands full!"

I can see that you're thrilled I have a gaggle of kids and you're trying to find a nice way to talk about your amazement, but this line is pretty boring. Of course I have my hands full, I have a shit ton of kids.

"Do they all have the same dad?"

Yikes. What kind of an asshole are you?

"How do you do it?"

Do what? Raise kids? Feed them well? Maintain my sanity? Well, for starters, I lock myself in the bathroom and weep silently during naptime and pass out immediately once they're all asleep… of course, some nights this can take hours, so you don't want to know what it takes to keep me somewhat sane. You really don't.

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"Better you than me."

Thanks for your statement of utter garbage. Not only do I feel like an overwhelmed loser when I hear people say things like that, but my kids are nearby and they don't need to hear jerks saying they'd rather not have X number of kids because, obviously, it must suck. Because kids suck, amirite? Ugh. Just bye.

So instead of saying one or more of these inane (or insulting) things, tell a mom that her kids are well behaved, or ask what school they go to or talk about your own family. Otherwise, you'll be the subject of her wrath hours later when she goes over what she wishes should have have said instead of "Ha, I know!"

Help make the world a better place, especially for a mom who has a half dozen kids hanging on her, and that, in turn, will make you a better person.

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