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All the Ways Your Fun Summer Plans Will Go Horribly Wrong

Photograph by Twenty20

Summer is a great time to go on meticulously-planned outings designed to amuse, educated and tire out your child. Here are all the ways your best-laid kid-friendly summer plans will completely and utterly fail.

1. The Beach!

Your dream: You’ll spend the day sipping cool beverages and straight up chilling in the shade while your little ones frolic in the surf and sand. You will treat them to a well-deserved frosty delight and then they will fall asleep on the way home, resulting in an adorable photo.

What will go wrong: The sun is too hot. The water is too cold. Somebody is splashing. The sand is on your kids’ hands which is intolerable. The sand also is in somebody’s eyes, either on purpose or otherwise. Your kid doesn’t want to share his beach toys. Some other kid doesn’t want to share her beach toys with your kid. Ninety bees descend once you bust out the ice cream. Nobody naps.

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2. The Farmer’s Market!

Your dream: The family will spend the morning perusing the colorful fruits, veggies and baked goods while you nurse a delicious coffee. Your kid will have the chance to learn valuable lessons about agriculture and farm-to-table food thanks to crafts and activities offered by friendly and attractive young people. You’ll leave with a cornucopia of fruits and veggies that you will turn into beautiful and easy summer meals that everyone will love.

What will go wrong: It is crowded as hell. Everybody at the farmer’s market is pretentious or a weirdo. Even you have to admit that the crafts and activities are boring and lame. The only fruit your kid wants to buy are not-yet-ripe peaches that are $4 each. Your kid demands a donut and the line for them is 15 minutes long. You only have $6 in cash. Nobody naps.

You can’t see. It’s too loud. It’s too hot. Your kid doesn’t want sit still and wait for a parade to go by.

3. The Pool!

Your dream: You finally learned your lesson about why the beach is not ideal but you still think you can pull off an outing that involves splashing around in a refreshing pool while your kids get tired out in cute swim outfits.

What will go wrong: See: everything about the beach, minus the sand (yet, somehow, there will still be sand.) Also, after finally cajoling your kid to go into the pool which he suddenly decides he doesn’t like, he poops in it. Nobody naps.

4. The Fourth of July Parade!

Your dream: After securing chairs ahead of time, your kids will sit still and be delighted by old-fashioned patriotic fun. They will look adorable in their Old Navy flag tees, holding tiny American flags with ice cream dripping down their arms.

What will go wrong: You can’t see. It’s too loud. It’s too hot. Your kid doesn’t want sit still and wait for a parade to go by. Nearby fireworks make him cry. He pokes himself in the eye with his miniature American flag. There is no ice cream. Nobody naps.

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5. The Amusement Park!

Your dream: Your child’s eyes will open wide with delight at the colorful and fun rides. Childhood itself is encapsulated as your kid squeals with delight as he rides a carousel.

What will go wrong: You park a thousand miles away. It costs a thousand dollars to get into the park. The lines are a thousand light years long. It is a thousand decibels loud which makes your kid, who is too young for all the rides, cry. Everybody else at the park represent the dregs of humanity. Nobody naps.

6. The Zoo!

Your dream: Animals, popcorn, delight, photos, napping, you get it by now.

What will go wrong: Best case scenario? Your kid either isn’t interested in the animals he can see or is frustrated that people are crowded around the enclosure he does want to see. Worst case scenario? Another innocent gorilla loses his life. And nobody naps.

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