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10 Ridiculous Things My Kids Fight About

Photograph by Twenty20

My children love each other until the exact moment that they do not. Once we hit that moment, anything the other person does sets them off. Yes, including breathing and moving their arms. My kids are 5 and 3, so the testiness is understandable. I have seven siblings and I still have the super human ability to be enormously irritated by something my sister, who lives 800 miles away from me, likes on Facebook. I mean, how dare she enjoy the Gin Blossoms? They are my band! She is probably the one who stole my CDs when I left for college. I will take that bitch out.

You see how this goes.

So, while I am sympathetic to my children's plight of sibling annoyance, it also drives me to drink, because how the hell do you negotiate a fight about who has the loudest cough? You don't. Parenting hack: You just go to the kitchen and drink whiskey and hope they are alive when you are done.

In commemoration of all the whiskey I've drunk: Here are the top 10 things my children have fought about this month.

1. Who can buckle their seatbelt faster

My 5-year-old usually wins this race and whenever she does my 3-year-old sobs, "It not a wace! IT NOT A WACE!" Then he begins frantically bucking and yells, "Now I will beat mom!"

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2. Because her brother stomped his foot three feet away from her

I'm pretty sure he was stomping at me. But my daughter began to scream, "He stomped near me! He stomped near me!" Which caused him to look her right in the eye and do an Irish jig. I wasn't even mad.

3. Who can have the blue spoon

To clarify: There were two identical blue spoons and two children, but somehow there is still weeping and gnashing of teeth over who gets to use which blue spoon. I don't even know. I took both spoons away and let them lap their oatmeal up like puppies.

4. The red race car cart or the pink race car cart

I am convinced that grocery stores invented race car carts because they hate mothers. Those things are awful to steer. I constantly take out old ladies and the random befuddled gentleman in the tampon aisle. And they are a source of consternation for my children who constantly bicker about which cart to take. I usually solve the problem by taking a normal cart and making them both miserable.

5. Who saw the ant on the ground first

I can't even explain this because I still don't understand it.

6. Whether the color pink is actually orange

Let's just say the 3-year-old really knows how to troll his big sister. Also, he won. Pink is the new orange.

7. Who is actually 5?

Is it the 5-year-old or the 3-year-old? You think you know the answer but you do not. This is actually the most fought over thing in our house.

8. Because his sister was breathing on him and he did not "wike it."

She responded by yelling, "I wasn't breathing, bubba, I was just blowing air out of my mouth!"

9. Whether Tootsie Rolls taste like chocolate or "bwue waspberry."

Again, he's a world-class sister troller, my son.

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10. Can zombies yell "boo!" or are they too dead to yell?

Which is actually a good question, but I felt the discussion too quickly devolved into shouts and cries of "Mommy, bubba is spitting at me!" before we could reach some real intellectual rigor.

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