My children love each other until the exact moment that they
do not. Once we hit that moment, anything the other person does sets them off.
Yes, including breathing and moving their arms. My kids are 5 and 3, so
the testiness is understandable. I have seven siblings and I still have the
super human ability to be enormously irritated by something my sister, who lives
800 miles away from me, likes on Facebook. I mean, how dare she enjoy the Gin
Blossoms? They are my band! She is probably the one who stole my CDs when I
left for college. I will take that bitch out.
You see how this goes.
So, while I am sympathetic to my children's plight of sibling
annoyance, it also drives me to drink, because how the hell do you negotiate a
fight about who has the loudest cough? You don't. Parenting hack: You just go
to the kitchen and drink whiskey and hope they are alive when you are done.
In commemoration of all the whiskey I've drunk: Here are the top 10
things my children have fought about this month.
1. Who can buckle their seatbelt faster
My 5-year-old usually
wins this race and whenever she does my 3-year-old sobs, "It not a
wace! IT NOT A WACE!" Then he begins frantically bucking and yells,
"Now I will beat mom!"
2. Because her brother stomped his foot three feet away from
I'm pretty sure he was stomping at me. But my daughter began to scream,
"He stomped near me! He stomped near me!" Which caused him to look
her right in the eye and do an Irish jig. I wasn't even mad.
3. Who can have the blue spoon
To clarify: There were two identical
blue spoons and two children, but somehow there is still weeping and gnashing of teeth over who
gets to use which blue spoon. I don't even know. I took both spoons away and
let them lap their oatmeal up like puppies.
4. The red race car cart or the pink race car cart
convinced that grocery stores invented race car carts because they hate mothers.
Those things are awful to steer. I constantly take out old ladies and the
random befuddled gentleman in the tampon aisle. And they are a source of consternation
for my children who constantly bicker about which cart to take. I usually solve the problem by taking a normal cart and making them both miserable.
5. Who saw the ant on the ground first
I can't even explain
this because I still don't understand it.
6. Whether the color pink is actually orange
Let's just say
the 3-year-old really knows how to troll his big sister. Also, he won. Pink
is the new orange.
7. Who is actually
Is it the 5-year-old or the 3-year-old? You think you know the
answer but you do not. This is actually the most fought over thing in our
8. Because his sister was breathing on him and he did not
She responded by yelling, "I wasn't breathing, bubba,
I was just blowing air out of my mouth!"
9. Whether Tootsie Rolls taste like chocolate or "bwue