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The Do's and Don'ts of What You Should Post on Facebook About Your Kids

Photograph by Twenty20

Everybody has a friend who brags incessantly about their kids.

Think about it hard. If you're not that person, you know someone in your group who is that person.

Some of my friends might be reading this and thinking, "Hey jerk, THAT'S YOU! You're the guy who totally brags about your kid on Facebook."

I argue that I do not. I write stuff about my kid on Facebook. I tell funny anecdotes about my kid on Facebook. I like my kid, so that's what I do.

If you post a picture of your kid's high SAT score on Facebook, then that's bragging.

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If you post a picture of your six-month-old standing up in front of a toilet and pissing all by himself, then that's bragging.

If you post a picture of your kid being sworn in as the President of the United States, then that's bragging. (And clearly acceptable, as he or she is President of the United States).

All this being said, I'd like to tell you all the do's and don'ts of posting about your kid on Facebook.

These are steadfast rules to live by. Please follow them.

DON'T post about your child taking his first poop. It's just bragging, and what if your friend's kid is way behind on this accomplishment. You're just going to make him or her feel bad.

DO post a picture of your child pooping all over the floor. It's awesome and gross and hysterical. And no one will feel any animosity towards you because your kid pooped all over the floor.

Because if you have to post that, then you deserve to be mocked just a little bit.

DON'T post video of your child reading on his or her own before the age of two or three. Again, that's bragging. And it's also probably false. Chances are your kid has heard the story so many times that he or she has just memorized it. And you will look kind of foolish.

DO post a video of old people (grandparents) reading to your child, because that's just lovely. And it will be a lovely memory for your family. Because one day that old person will be dead.

DON'T post stuff about your kid winning some big award at school or camp. (OK, I can see that many of these "don'ts" are about not bragging.)

RELATED: Is Social Media Fair to Our Kids?

DO post stuff about your kids winning "honorable mention" or "participation" awards. Because if you have to post that, then you deserve to be mocked just a little bit.

DON'T post that you and your child are marked safe during a horrible crisis in your city. Chances are, when something terrible happens, you are safe. There are millions and millions of people in your state. The odds are you're okay. And if you mark you're safe, then people will feel it's necessary to "like" the status or write something about how glad they are that you're okay. And now you're just getting all this attention when people are dealing with horrible problems in their lives. It's a little selfish, I think.

DO post that you and your child are NOT safe if God-forbid, you are not safe. People should know. And I pray this never happens to you.

And finally…

DON'T post your address, phone number or travel plans for you and your children on Facebook. For obvious reasons.

DO message me your address, phone number or travel plans for you and your children on Facebook. For obvious reasons.

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