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6 Questions I Have for the Makers of 'Super Why!'

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"Super Why!" is a PBS Kid's show about a team of computer-generated Super Readers from popular fairy tales who team up to solve problems with books. Well, they are supposed to be from fairy tales.

There is Pig from "The Three Little Pigs," Little Red Riding Hood from the story of the same name, Princess Pea, ostensibly from the "Princess and the Pea," and their leader Whyatt Beanstalk. Whyatt's older brother is supposed to be Jack from "Jack and the Beanstalk."

They are all bland and have replaced personality with accessories. Like if one wasn't a pig and one didn't literally rollerblade the whole time and the other didn't hold a wand, they'd be completely indistinguishable and their whiny voices would run together until your ears bled and you confessed to stealing the Lindbergh baby.

Oh there is also Woofster, the dog who shows up from time to time. And he can't talk, but the pig sure can. There is also Super You, which is your kid, which seems like a half-assed attempt at making you forget that it is mindless TV and trick you into believing it's educational. Spoiler: It's not.

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If you've spent five years of your adult life watching this show repeatedly at 5 a.m., then you will understand when I ask, what in the actual hell is going on in this show?

So to the creators of the show, I have some super big questions for you.

If (his parents) didn't hate him, why would they name one kid Jack, another kid Joy and then their middle child Whyatt?

1. Could you not come up with more pressing problems?

The Super Readers come together to solve problems but the problems are very inane, even for a kids show. The drama is always, how do I eat cake but also listen to my grandma? Or why won't my friends do exactly what I tell them? Or help, a toy is lost! And to each of these dilemma's Whyatt yells, "THAT'S A SUPER BIG PROBLEM!" Acquire some chill, Whyatt. Global warming? Now that's a super big problem.

2. Why do Whyatt's parents hate him?

That's the real super "why?" for me. Because if they didn't hate him, why would they name one kid Jack, another kid Joy and then their middle child Whyatt? That's how you would spell Whyatt if you were having a stroke. The only other theory I have is that Whyatt's parents have a super big problem and that problem is illiteracy.

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3. Has anyone on this show actually read a fairy tale?

Because the stories in this show only resemble fairy tales in the sense that a stack of ribs resembles a pig. I mean, sure, they come from the same place, but the only way to get from point A to point B requires slaughter.

4. OK, but really, Whyatt?

Seriously, I have to bring it up again. In a show about actual literacy we are going to spell the name of the main character like a meth-addicted poodle? OK, but put this crap on Nickelodeon where it belongs.

5. In an entire show that is basically to fairy tales what serial killers are to human flesh, there is an episode called "Muddled-Up Fairy Tales"?

That, kids, is I-R-O-N-Y.

6. Can anyone on this show read?

Because there is also an entire episode where they just look in a cookbook. And look, I am a writer, I actually believe fiction can solve a lot of our problems. But this is just maybe a little on the nose.

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