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10 Things That Suck About Being a Parent

Photograph by Twenty20

In light of the movie "Bad Moms" coming out, I have been thinking about myself as a bad parent. We all are bad parents at times, right? If you aren't, I suppose there's a special place in hell for you because you're either too perfect… or a terrible liar.

Thinking about this, it's not so much that I'm a bad parent, it's that there's certain parts of being a parent that I truly don't enjoy.

I think you all have those specific things that you hate. Try to think about it. Here are just 10 things I hate, in no particular order:

1. I CAN'T GET FROZEN YOGURT (with ease)

This seems odd, I know, so I'll explain. It was August 7th, 2011. My son was to be born via C- section the following morning. I remember sitting there with my wife in our bedroom— preparing, panicking, praying (if we actually were the praying sorts.) I said to her, "Let's go take a walk. Let's get some frozen yogurt."

She wasn't in the mood. Understandably.

I said to her, "Think about this. Right now, we can make the decision to walk to the fro-yo shop. We can go at our own pace. We can buy some yogurt and relax. And it will most likely be the last time in like 100 YEARS when this can happen."

She got what I was saying. We went to have a last "child-free" frozen yogurt walk.

You all know as parents that if you want to go get frozen yogurt now (or anything for that matter,) you need planning. You need to get the child together. You need to often negotiate with the child. You can't just GO.

Don't you sometimes just want to go? I miss going. It's been since August 7, 2011.

RELATED: My Favorite Part of Motherhood

2. I MISS TAKING A POOP IN PUBLIC BATHROOMS

Inevitably when we're at a Target or a mall or somewhere of that sort, I find that I have to go number two.

Don't get shy. You all have to poop sometimes.

But what do you do when your child is with you? You can't just leave the little one outside. He has to come in with you.

There's nothing worse then sitting down to do my business when my son is just staring at me.

He asks questions. "Did you go yet?" "How big is your poop?" "Can I see it?"

Sometimes I just want to yell, "TURN AROUND, I'm TAKING A SHIT! THIS IS DISGUSTING."

I give him my iPhone to play games. But he now figured out how to take pictures with it. And God forbid he somehow takes a picture of this… and accidentally posts it on Facebook.

I miss pooping in peace.

3. I MISS GOING TO THE MOVIES

I have a masters degree in film.

I love film. I used to see a few movies a week.

Now I see animated films. And don't get me wrong, I like animated films when they're good, but I miss seeing good adult films.

And I miss not having to pray my child will sit through the movie without getting bored and deciding he must go home halfway through it.

4. I HATE PUTTING HIM IN HIS CAR SEAT

It's hot outside. Or it's cold outside. We are going somewhere.

I want to get in the car, turn on the car, put on the air conditioning AND FREAKING DRIVE.

I don't want to put him in the car seat and negotiate for him to sit still while I maneuver the belt.

I JUST WANT TO GO.

Don't you sometimes just want to say, "Screw it, if he's hungry, he'll figure it out."

5. I WANT TO SLEEP IN

It's 6:15 a..m. It's Saturday.

I hear the door open. I pray it's a ghost.

But it's not. It's my boy.

And I wish he would just go the fuck back to sleep.

6. I WANT TO HAVE LOGICAL ARGUMENTS

"Daddy, the sky is pink."

I respond, "No it's not honey, the sky is blue. You see?"

"No. It's not. It's pink."

"Baby, you know the colors. And you know it's not pink."

"YES IT IS!"

And then it just escalates. This is inane. And I refuse to cave.

Until I cave. Because screw it.

The sky is pink.

7. I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU

It's Sunday. We've played and gone on adventures and watched TV and went swimming and drove to this place and that place.

And now, I'm chilling.

"Daddy, I want you to play with me."

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU, DAMMIT. GO PLAY IN YOUR ROOM! (Notice there are no quotes there. Because I didn't actually say that. BUT I WANT TO SAY THAT.)

RELATED: Your Kid's Not an Asshole, You Are!

8. I DON'T WANT TO FEED YOU DINNER

Inevitably at around 5:30 p.m., we ask, "What do you want for dinner, buddy?"

And it hardly ever ends well.

Don't you sometimes just want to say, "Screw it, if he's hungry, he'll figure it out."

When I was single, I ate when I wanted to. And sometimes I didn't want to eat dinner. And often times I just ordered out.

One day I'm just going to open the pantry and say, "Have at it, pal. Try to make good decisions."

9. I WANT TO CURSE MORE

Sometimes "Fuck, shit, piss and corruption" are the only real way to say what you want to say.

I want to curse, goddammit.

I don't want to watch my mouth. I earned the right to be a vulgar jerk.

10. I WANT A VACATION

It's occurred to me that family vacations are only vacations for the children. When my wife and I go on vacation, we want to sleep in. We want to eat when we want to eat and we want to go where we want to go.

But with a kid, you gotta DO STUFF.

What are we doing today?

Can we do this?

What else can we do?

On my next vacation I'm just going to go out and eat some frozen yogurt, take a poop in public and argue something that's not nonsense with the guy in the next stall.

What sucks for you?

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