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The Single Greatest Gift You Can Ever Bring to a Kid's Birthday Party

Photograph by Getty Images

I know that you're all very stressed about what to do every weekend when your kid has to go to yet another birthday party.

What do I bring? What will set us apart from all the other kids? How can our gift be special?

You're really thinking about that right now, aren't you?

Let me make it really easy for you. And if you don't agree with me, you're crazy. Are you ready for it?

A gift card.


I just blew your mind, didn't I?

RELATED: When Did Birthday Parties Get So Complicated?

Two weeks ago, our son had his 5th birthday. Besides the usual, "Oh my God, I can't believe how big he's gotten, where has all the time gone, weren't we just at his first birthday" talk, we were most looking forward to the after partyyou know, that moment where we got to sit in the living room and tear through all the presents.

Sadly, our little guy passed out in the car on the drive home and had to take a nap for a while, so we had to wait more than an hour to check out the swag.

He woke up, we gathered in the living room, and we opened up the gifts one by one.

Sure, it's not as exciting for the kid, but he has enough goddamn toys. It's time to reward the parents.

Then the fighting started.

Perhaps you're confused. What fighting could possibly go on? Well, I'll tell you… my wife and I spent the afternoon secretly fighting behind our son's back. We fought over how we would divide up the gift cards.

Don't worry, our son got to keep the tangible gifts… but we wanted the gift cards.

I won't bore you with the details and just cut to the end: My wife got to keep all the gift cards and I got nothing.

The point is, gift cards are the best things to bring to the party. Sure, it's not as exciting for the kid, but he has enough goddamn toys.

It's time to reward the parents.

We paid a lot of money for the party. We buy him clothes and toys and food every day. Nobody celebrates our birthdays anymore. So BRING GIFT CARDS to the party.

RELATED: 7 Things That Should REALLY Be in Kids' Goodie Bags

And if I may be so bold, bring Amazon gift cards. (Amazon should totally pay me for this endorsement). I got high a few weeks ago with a buddy of mine and went on Amazon to see how many things I could find off the top of my head.

Did you know you can buy a coffin on Amazon? You can.

Did you know you can buy pretty much any sex toy you can think of? Well, you can.

There was literally nothing I couldn't think of. Amazon has everything.

So be cool. When you go to a kid's birthday party, bring a gift card—preferably Amazon—because Mom and/or Dad need a break.

And to any parent who came to our party and is now reading this: I'm totally kidding.

(I'm totally not kidding.)

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