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22 Ridiculous Things Tired Moms Have Said Out Loud

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Photograph by Twenty20

Have you ever caught yourself saying something to your kid that was, well, ridiculous? Or had a moment, mid-sentence, when you thought to yourself, “What the hell am I saying?” If you have, you’re not alone.

We've all done it—whether we want to admit it or not. We’ve all said something out loud that is so completely absurd or bizarre that even our pre-verbal child has rolled his eyes and made raspberries at us. Forget the old clichés like, "Because I said so" and "Don't make me turn this car around." These are the real doozies we moms have uttered when we are at the end of our rope and swinging helplessly.

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I have so many, I don’t even know where to start. How about, "What is Optimus Prime doing in my underwear drawer?" Or this perennial favorite, “Do not lick your brother’s face. No, don’t lick his arm, either.”

I asked other moms to share there favorite (or most cringe-inducing) nonsensical quotes. They will make you laugh and possibly nod in sympathy. And if they don’t, I can promise your day—your exhausted, frustrated, can’t-take-one-more-question day—is coming, and you will say something that your children will remember for the rest of their lives.

1. “There are five people in this family. And all five of us want something and no one’s needs are more important than anyone else’s. So you need to sleep like the rest of us and be part of the team.” (said to a 6-month-old baby, after a very, very long week) — Amanda

2. “I don’t care if you’re a Jedi. I’m your mother.” — Cathy

3. “This is why hamsters eat their young.” — Joni

4. “You’re holding all the balls. You need to share your balls.” — Valerie

5. “Once upon a time, there was a mother. And she was very, very angry.” (Pause.) “And no, she was not a witch, no matter what you’ve heard.” — Brenda

6. “The dog is not a napkin!” — Anat

7. “Yes, yes I am very, very old. Thank you for noticing.” — Sheila

8. “You did not poop your pants. That’s butt sweat.” — Sarah

Ninjas absolutely have to empty the dishwasher when their moms tell them to.

9. “I can’t swordfight and get you juice at the same time. You have to choose.” — Chris

10. “Please don’t put the hair clippy on the cat’s ear.” — Jill

11. “You smell like a fresh baked baby!” (said after baby's first bath) — Stephanie

12. “Don’t stick a LEGO up your nose again.” — Melissa

14. “You may be taller than me, but you’ll never be meaner than me.” — Ellen

15. “You are not the boss of me!” (whispered to a toddler) — Cara

16. “No, I don’t know everything. But I know how to use the internet and you don’t know how to read yet. So I think I win.” — Tammy

17. “Of course you have to wear underwear. Why wouldn’t you need to wear underwear?” — Rachel

18. “Mama has no energy to give right now. I have nothing left today.” — Emily

19. “Oh yes, ninjas absolutely have to empty the dishwasher when their moms tell them to.” — K.T.

20. “No, you can’t wear your Hogwarts robe to preschool, but I’ll let you wear it to the grocery store.” — Meredith

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21. “That’s the couch’s way of telling you not to jump on it.” (after a minor injury involving a child who’d been told not to jump on the couch) — Chris

22. “Please don’t put your penis in your dinner.” — Valerie

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