Do you ever feel like modern parenting is wearing you down? Do you reminisce about your own childhood and wonder if your children are being robbed of the freedom you enjoyed?
Good news! There’s a way to decrease the energy you put into parenting while also teaching your kids about simpler times. Here are seven ways to parent like it’s still the '80s:
1. Go sunscreen-free.
Save valuable time that you’d spend fighting your kids over sunscreen by instead letting them “go bareback.” They’ll thank you for allowing them to enjoy the sun’s natural UV rays, completely free of protection. For extra fun, try Coppertone Kids tanning lotion, which will leave your little ones smelling like a pina colada as they sizzle and char.
2. Put them outside—until dusk.
Watch your children, but without actually watching them. Learn valuable passé skills such as independence, a love of the outdoors and the ability to fend off strangers while you lounge around your quiet home. Relax, knowing your kids are roaming the streets on their bikes without helmets, as you sip Tab and gaze at C. Thomas Howell centerfolds.
Who needs those bulky, annoying carseats? Save time and effort by letting your children thump around in the 'way back' of your car.
3. Leave your kids in the car.
Want to get your errands done quickly while avoiding grocery store meltdowns and general child-related douchebaggery? No problem! Just leave your kids in the car while you fill your basket with Tang, Slim Jims and mouth-watering TV dinners.
4. Ditch your carseats.
Speaking of cars, who needs those bulky, annoying carseats? Save time and effort by letting your children thump around in the “way back” of your car. Have a truck? Even better! Toss your kiddos in the back and watch their little eyes light up as they experience the freedom of speeding down the highway, completely unrestrained.
5. Throw a McDonald’s birthday party.
You’ll save money and top the other parents when you throw your son’s next birthday party at McDonald’s instead of hosting a pricey, martial arts-themed shindig. Nothing screams “celebration” like hydrogenated oils, GMOs and beef powder. Afterwards, your birthday star and their friends can frolic on the unquestionably feces-laden PlayPlace while their bodies attempt to digest their meals. Your kids will McThank you for it!
6. Leave your kids home alone.
There’s no need to splurge on a babysitter—just leave your kids at home! By themselves! Enjoy a much-needed date night with the mister or go catch up on gossip with your best gal pals. By the age of 7 or 8, most children are capable of good decision-making and are ready to be left in charge of younger siblings and/or other peoples’ children. Enjoy!
7. Stick ‘em in a pen.
Forget attachment parenting—your kids need you to be happy, not present! Instead of wearing them on your body or attempting to “connect” with them, try putting them in a pen filled with plastic toys while you take a much-needed breather.
Remember—it’s never too late to bring back the past and start parenting like it’s 1983!