Save valuable time that you’d spend fighting your kids
over sunscreen by instead letting them “go bareback.” They’ll thank you for
allowing them to enjoy the sun’s natural UV rays, completely free of protection.
For extra fun, try Coppertone Kids tanning lotion, which will leave your little
ones smelling like a pina colada as they sizzle and char.
2. Put them outside—until dusk.
Watch your children, but without actually watching them. Learn valuable passé
skills such as independence, a love of the outdoors and the ability to fend
off strangers while you lounge around your quiet home. Relax, knowing your kids
are roaming the streets on their bikes without helmets, as you sip Tab and gaze
at C. Thomas Howell centerfolds.
Who needs those bulky, annoying
carseats? Save time and effort by letting your children thump around in the 'way back' of
3. Leave your kids in the car.
Want to get your errands done quickly while avoiding
grocery store meltdowns and general child-related douchebaggery? No problem!
Just leave your kids in the car while you fill your basket with Tang, Slim Jims
and mouth-watering TV dinners.
4. Ditch your carseats.
Speaking of cars, who needs those bulky, annoying
carseats? Save time and effort by letting your children thump around in the “way back” of
your car. Have a truck? Even better! Toss your kiddos in the back and watch
their little eyes light up as they experience the freedom of speeding down the highway,
You’ll save money and top the other parents when you
throw your son’s next birthday party at McDonald’s instead of hosting a pricey,
martial arts-themed shindig. Nothing screams “celebration” like hydrogenated
oils, GMOs and beef powder. Afterwards, your birthday star and their friends can
frolic on the unquestionably feces-laden PlayPlace while their bodies attempt to digest
their meals. Your kids will McThank you for it!
6. Leave your kids home alone.
There’s no need to splurge on a babysitter—just leave
your kids at home! By themselves! Enjoy a much-needed date night with the
mister or go catch up on gossip with your best gal pals. By the age of 7 or 8,
most children are capable of good decision-making and are ready to be left in
charge of younger siblings and/or other peoples’ children. Enjoy!
Forget attachment parenting—your kids need you to be
happy, not present! Instead of wearing them on your body or attempting to
“connect” with them, try putting them in a pen filled with plastic toys while you take a much-needed breather.