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Darn Our Pesky Uteri! Wyoming Lawmaker Says Women Are Unreliable

Photograph by Facebook

Listen up, little ladies who are complaining about the so-called "wage gap" and going on about workplace policies that make having children completely impossible, because one Wyoming lawmaker has some news for you:

It's all your fault, and it's about time you stopped your whining.

Gerald Gay is a Wyoming state representative who is sick to death of female employees he just knows will be unreliable because they do unprofessional things like take their full, legally allotted maternity leave to do even more ridiculous things like physically heal from major physical trauma or surgery.

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I mean, sure he might have had a spinal cord injury that placed him in the hospital and long-term rehabilitation wing of a nursing home, so he missed a whole bunch of his own legislature meetings. He couldn't walk and couldn't manage to find a way to show up to work while recovering, but that's totally not the same thing at all! Because he's a man! Women have never needed to recover or struggle to find transportation or child care!

And everyone knows that women are tougher than men, you know, physically and everything. Gerald may have needed time off to recover from his medical needs, but women were made to give birth. Geesh. It's not like they need that 12 weeks (unpaid, let's not forget—unlike, I'm sure, Gerald's little medical break) or anything. It's more like a guideline, and they had better learn it's not really theirs for the full taking. Maybe mothers should not be so selfish and donate some of their time off to men in need like Gerald.

Women are always going to take their full maternity leave, and there’s the dependability issue about whether they’re going to show up for things.

And aside from the inconvenience of women who insist on contributing to the future of the human race (again, selfish, much?), is the fact that you just literally never know what you're going to get with women. It's like they are a box of chocolates from "Forrest Gump," except not always as smooth and delicious.

It's bad enough that women are already taking time off to have the freaking kids, but then they just have to go and use their own personal sick days to care for those same brats. Apparently in Gerald's world, children are always the sole responsibility of mothers, regardless if she has a partner or not. Well, that's just the hormone-laced icing on the gender-gap cake, now isn't it?

"Women are always going to take their full maternity leave, and there’s the dependability issue about whether they’re going to show up for things," Gerald scoffed. "That’s a fact of life, you know, and it’s the nature of Wyoming’s business and also the nature of gender politics."

Those dependability issues, Gerald went on to explain, happen when women use their sick days for completely inane things, such as caring for their sick children. Everyone knows the unwritten rules are that sick days are to be used 1) only if you yourself are physically sick, such as with a spinal cord injury, or 2) you're not actually supposed to use your sick days unless you are actively, dangerously ill, such as with a spinal cord injury.

But women just can't get that message through their thick, hair-sprayed heads, now can they? "They take Junior to the hospital or go see Johnny’s soccer game," Gerald said, pointing out with clear, unrefutable evidence that women deserve every unfair treatment they've ever received in the workplace. #factoflife

RELATED: To the Mom Who Is Too Scared to Love Her Pregnancy

It's a good thing we have Gerald—am I right, ladies? Otherwise, how would we have known everything we were doing wrong all this time?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go give birth, recover in two days, take a bikini selfie (don't worry, I'll edit out my bloody pad!), then work on finishing up the giant bubble I am constructing for my kids to live in so I will never, ever have to take time off of work to take them to the doctor because I am a professional, dammit. Gerald will be so proud.

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