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I Humbly Accept the Worst (But Well-Intended) Mom of the Year Award

Photograph by Twenty20

Thank you. Thank you.

A lot of people have asked me how I won an award for the Worst Well-Intended Mom of the Year. Truth be told, I nominated myself. And there was no one else in my category. So naturally, I won.

See, I was never going to win mom of the year, what with my kid’s constant complaints about that sandwich not being cut correctly, or the bathwater being not hot enough/that’s too hot/now it’s too cold/this is just awful. So I figured it’s always good to be best in your category. If I can’t be the best mom, I might was well be the worst.

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But I’m not technically a bad enough mom to win a real Worst Mom of the Year Award, none of us are. That award is reserved for those ladies who make headlines, the ones who make us want to stop watching the local news. I’m just a normal mom who is trying to do a good job and whose kids complain each and every damned day.

Here are some of their complaints.

Sometimes they make a request and I grant it. This makes them very upset.

I Made Them Exactly What They Requested for Dinner

It’s terrible, but sometimes I listen to my kids and try to make them happy. That means sometimes they make a request and I grant it. This makes them very upset and can cause complaining and/or meltdowns (usually from me).

I Can’t Pinterest for Shit

OK this is a valid complaint, but nowhere in the job application for raising a human being did it say I needed to be skilled with a hot glue gun.

I’m Not Psychic

My kids often say things like, “Mommy, do you remember that guy who did that thing?” When I ask for a more specific description, my kids lose their minds and assume I’m a part of some conspiracy theory created just to make them describe things better. I’m not. I just have no idea what they are talking about.

The Blankets Fell Off

Sometimes at 2 or 3 a.m., the blankets on one of my kids' beds moves. Sometimes, those blankets even fall to the ground. Instead of using their own body parts to pick the blankets up and go back to sleep, the children call for me. The fact that I don’t appreciate being named the family blanket adjuster at 3 a.m. doesn’t sit well with my kids. They’re sure to let me know.

Homework

Apparently, homework is my fault as if I invented it and told them to wait until nearly bedtime to do it.

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As you can see, my children’s complaints aren’t that bad. In the global scheme of things if the worst thing that happens in your young life is that the blankets fell off or your mom isn’t terribly crafty, then you’re leading a pretty good life. But when you’re a kid, you don’t always know that. How could you? You’ve never had another mom. So the one you have must be the worst. And you must tell her every second of the day.

My only hope, as the winner of the Worst Well-Intended Mom of the Year award, is that when my children get older, they see just how lucky they were to have such a bad mom. Because despite my failings as a mom, I loved my kids every second of every day—even when they were complaining about me, to me.

So if you, too, are a bad but well-intended mom, at least according to your kids, then go ahead and give yourself an award. It’s always nice to be the best in your category. Trust me, I know.

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