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5 Parenting Styles You've Never Heard Of

Photograph by Twenty20

We all know about Tiger Moms and attachment and helicopter parenting. But what about the title-less folks? Those vast gray areas of contemporary parenting that no one talks about but so many of us subscribe to? I've come up with a few new parenting styles that I've noticed lately.

1. Facebook-Follower Parenting

This style is about gathering everything you see on Facebook that other people are doing and adopting it as your own. You follow all the trends, subscribe to various groups and post and share the latest education updates from the New York Times, usually without reading them. Kids of Facebook Parenting are confused. They may start out in a Waldorf school for preschool, move to Montessori for elementary, try home-schooling for a year only to move to a code-driven program that takes place on a mountain top by middle school.

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No one wants to photograph a kid doing math problems—unless there’s an acai bowl in the shot.

2. Instagram Parenting

This parenting trend is based on how you style your kid, their food, their toys and their room. It has nothing to do with actual parenting—instead how you make parenting appear. Usually children of Instagram Parenting have low test scores and IQ as their parents are too busy styling their lives (sometimes while they sleep) and lunch boxes and have no time to help with homework, which is so not pretty. Like, literally. No one wants to shoot a kid doing math problems—unless there’s an acai bowl in the shot.

3. Tortoise Parenting

This is slow parenting or "lean out" parenting. Like tortoises, these parents are too lazy and tired to give a shit. You get overwhelmed easily and choose to opt out. Kids of Tortoise Parents tend to lack dimensions, as they have done no sports or extracurricular activities. Some kids of Tortoise Parenting have amazing imaginations because they have been left to their own devices without any devices. Others whose parents armed them with phone and iPads are drones. These kids have zero social skills or empathy. They can’t healthily partake in society or contribute, and for that reason they often become high-achieving CEO’s.

4. iPhone Parenting

This is the parent who parents from her iPhone. Literally. You are the mom who looks up from your phone when your kid has fallen from the monkey bars and is being lifted into an ambulance that someone else called. You are the dad who peeks up from your phone every few seconds to tell your kids to keep it down or ask if they're hungry (hoping the answer is no because you might miss an email). The poor children of iPhone Parenting have no choice but to emulate their parents' full-blown narcissism. They are detached, lack empathy and are so desperate for love and attention that they engage in risky, attention-seeking behavior. These children have all the makings of super stardom.

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5. Prozac Parenting

You are the parent for whom the most annoying child crimes become tolerable because you're dosed up on Prozac. Kid throws his pudding against the wall? No prob! Nothing phases you because you are in the P-zone. Children of Prozac Parenting are well adjusted, feel loved and are capable of forming healthy attachments. They have a deep sense of security because of your consistent and steady parenting. You are not a raving maniac one minute and yogi-fied the next. You are steady and well-medicated, and for this reason your children will have a high rate of adaptability in adulthood.

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