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7 Things I Would Like to Do With Shopkins

Photograph by Twenty20

Waffle Sue. Apple Pie Alice. Lippy Lip. Shopkins.

Do the possibilities end?

NO!

Lucky you, they never end. Season upon season upon season, these little hard plastic things that come with those little plastic bags never end. And much to your dismay, those little Shopkins faces are so cute that your kids can't get enough of them ... ever.

Thanks to the clever manufacturer, there are so many things your kids can do with their Shopkins—none of which would go on my personal to-do list!

Here are some things I'd like to do with those little plastic toys from hell myself:

1. Throw them in a trash bag and leave them on my ex's porch

Want revenge? Why does it have to be hurtful? Why does it have to be a fist to the gut? Can't it just be a bag full of Shopkins for someone else to collect, step on, poke oneself with and find in sinks, toilets and bathtubs?

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2. Make a trail with them, and lead a kid to the ending

Step 1: Take all your kid's Shopkins.

Step 2: Line them up in a little "breadcrumb trail" of Shopkins winding far away, until it leads to a sign that says:

Hello [Child's Name Here]:

We won't be buying any more Shopkins. It's polluting the environment with plastic.

Love,

Mom

3. Use them to make wishes

Don't have pennies and want to make a wish in the fountain? Why not chuck a few Shopkins when your kid isn't looking? Better yet, dump the whole lot of them there.

Although, ahem, that's not really great for the environment, either.

4. Stare at them and feel like an idiot

Is it really so difficult to draw the face of a Shopkin? I think not.

Stare at the millions of Shopkins, and feel like an absolute schmuck because you didn't come up with this grand idea in the first place. Feel like a poor bastard because someone else came up with the simplest, most banal yet popular kids' toys ever.

Since Shopkins are clearly designed to injure parents, why not take that truck and whack yourself in the face with it?

5. Smack yourself in the face with a Shopkins ice cream truck

You've stepped on those little hard things more times than you can count, and now you've tripped over the damn ice cream truck, which was full of said little hard things, so you hurt yourself twice. Since Shopkins are clearly designed to injure parents, why not take that truck and whack yourself in the face with it?

It's punishment for caving in and buying it in the first place.

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6. Make up dark alter egos for each character

It's not Lippy Lip, it's Binging Bagel. Binging Bagel has an emotional eating condition and is having a hot affair with Lushy Lint Rag, who's got a bit of a drinking problem.

It's way more interesting than a bunch of "shopping goods" just sitting there like hard little pellets of plastic all over the house.

7. Mail the world's supply to Donald Trump

I would love to take the world's supply and mail it to him. Just dump it on his desk and walk away.

So he can "grab Percy PC by the cat face" instead of harassing women.

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