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How to Totally Screw Up Your Child in 10 Easy Steps

Photograph by Twenty20

It's really not that difficult to mess up your child. In fact, I'm pretty sure just breathing the wrong way around your kids is guaranteed to traumatize them somehow. Even if it's not a traumatic event, your kid will blame you for the rest of your life anyway, so you might as well hire a therapist today.

I still remember the fact that my mom promised me a toy back in kindergarten. She said it was coming. It never did. I am now officially broken... for life.

So if you want your kid to end up just like me, follow these 10 foolproof steps:

1. Tell Them No

Saying no to your child is guaranteed to mess them up for life.

You're obviously supposed to say, "Yes!" Telling them no and denying your child something—even a dollar bin item at Target—is enough to put your child in therapy years down the line.

RELATED: 11 Awesome Things From Our Childhood That Our Kids Will Never Get to Do

2. Make Them Wear Matching Outfits With You

You think it's cute and they do too, until they develop a personality. Suddenly, your child hates you and your "cute" holiday photo ideas. Don't you know that putting the whole family in matching garb is enough to drive your kids over the edge?

3. Talk on the Phone for More Than Two Minutes

You thought you would just say hi to your friend for a few minutes.

Your child deems your phone activity as disruptive to their whole life trajectory and therefore, harasses you to not only get off the phone, but to also put the focus back on him or her. When you don't hang up right away, you just reduced your child's self purpose by 50 points. Didn't you know that?

4. Don't Let Them Do What Their Friends Are Doing

"But she gets to bring toys to school! It's not fair!"

My daughter whines about the injustice in her life that I'm not allowing her to do what other parents allow their kids to do.

Putting her through such torture must truly be an act of child cruelty.

Right?

Riiiight.

5. Say Embarrassing Things

You know what I mean—it doesn't matter what you say but nine times out of ten, your bigger kid thinks you are soooo embarassing!

How you could even dare to whisper the things you say half of the time is beyond your child's comprehension. The sheer embarrassment you cause your child will put your kids on meds faster than you can say, "Johnjingleheimerschmidt."

6. Make Your Kid Wear a Hat

For some reason when you're under 18 years of age, being forced to wear a hat is one of the greatest tragedies a child can endure.

How, oh, how can parents request that a child wear a hat? It's just not fair.

Your kid will be calling her lawyer now and filing a motion of severe emotional damage.

Your child will now grow up to be a juvenile delinquent.

7. Utter a Curse Word

You didn't drop the F bomb, did you? Oh you did, and now your kid is going to go to preschool and repeat exactly what you said just so you can look like a totally messed up parent.

And you are. You heathen!

Your child will now grow up to be a juvenile delinquent.

8. Make Crappy Looking DIY Halloween Costumes and School Projects

Your kid counts on you for help and you mess it all up with your crappy looking school projects (sure, we all know the kids are supposed to do them but…) and horrific Pinterest-fail Halloween costumes.

Your child cries at the idea of you getting another DIY idea in your head. It's a horror show, Mom.

RELATED: How to Please Your Mother-in-Law in 5 Easy Steps

9. Forget Show & Tell

Everyone else's mom remembered Show & Tell but you—you deadbeat mom!

It was even your kid's day as the Star Student.

You get an absolute F for sucking big time and ruining your child's entire educational future.

10. Give Consequences

Aren't you just an evil mom for handing out consequences after your kids decided to act out?

Don't you know being forced to sit in a time-out or lose iPad time or dessert is enough to put your kid in rubber restraints?

Geez, lady, get with the program already.

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