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7 Things I Never Imagined Saying Before I Had Two Kids

Photograph by Amy Wruble

I knew my life would change forever when I brought home Baby #2—I just never could have guessed the crazy things that would come out of my mouth.

1. “Don’t step on your sister!” – While I believe that my 4-year-old intends to be loving and gentle towards her baby sister, preschoolers don’t always pay attention to where they’re going. I’ve learned (the hard way) that it’s best not to put baby down on her play mat while Big Foot is stomping around.

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2. “Get your nose out of her eye” – We’re also working on boundaries. My daughter loves to smush her face right up again the baby’s face, nevermind whether she can breathe. I was hoping my kids would be close, but that’s a little too close.

3. “Let me smell your hands” – It’s inevitable that my older kid will spread some nasty preschool germs to the baby, but I’m trying to stave this off as long as possible by rigorously enforcing hand washing. Of course, the only way to know for sure if she’s actually washed her hands or just saying she did? The smell test.

Something’s got to give, and that something is nutrition.

4. “Enough reading, let’s watch some TV!” – Damn I’m tired. And my back is killing me from breastfeeding the baby while trying to keep my hands free to play with the big kid on the floor. Sometimes it seems like a much better idea to let Sophia the First do the parenting for a while.

5. “Stop yelling right now! We don’t yell in this house!”– (Yelled at top volume, by me) – Just as the baby’s eyes are fluttering closed for a much-needed nap, my 4-year-old will decide it’s the perfect time to have a big tantrum about shoes, or snacks, or I don’t even know because I’m not listening, I’m just yelling at her not to yell, which works like a charm (NOT).

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6. “Who wants ice cream for dinner?”– Wait, I’m supposed to keep two kids alive all day and ALSO feed them dinner? Something’s got to give, and that something is nutrition.

7. “I love you but please stop touching me” – My poor husband. By the time I’m done nursing 8-12 times, getting peed and spit up on, and kissing my 4-year-old’s boo-boos and hurt feelings, I have nothing left for him. I have actually flinched when he tried to touch me. Clearly, I need to make it up to him. I hope he likes ice cream for dinner.

Moms, what crazy things have you said to your kids?

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